


Coffee

by icedameron



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Armitage Hux is Not Nice, Depression, Drug Use, F/M, Finnpoe - Freeform, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT, Gay Poe Dameron, Graphic Description, High School AU, Kylo is a nice guy, Kylo is soft spoken, Leia is an english teacher, M/M, PLEASE REGULARLY CHECK TAGS, PTSD, Past Sexual Abuse, Poe and Rey are best friends, Possessive Kylo Ren, Protective Kylo Ren, Rape, Recreational Drug Use, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey consumes too much coffee for her own good, Rey doesn't know her parents well, Rey is a scared baby, Rey is very sad, Rey isolates herself, Rey liked routine, Rey needs a therapist, Reylo - Freeform, Self Harm, Self Image Issues, Self-Destruction, Sexual Trauma, Slow Burn, Stormpilot, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, TW Sexual Assault, Trust Issues, bb8 is a dog, hux is mean, im winging it here, in progress, not always medically correct i guess, self worth issues, tags are updated as the story is updated
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 13:07:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 35,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21969799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icedameron/pseuds/icedameron
Summary: Rey is in her senior year of high school. Everything is going great for her. She has good grades, she knows what she wants to do when she graduates, and she has a group of great friends. Her life was relatively perfect, until she is assaulted while at a party. Due to unfortunate circumstances, she doesn't tell anyone. This weighs heavily on her shoulders. Her demeanor changes, and there seems to be only one person who can see past Rey's facade, and that's Kylo, a boy who sits next to her in English. Over time, the pair becomes closer, but Rey is hesitant to let her secret slip. She is nearly at her breaking point, and Kylo might be the only one who can help. With Rey's life crumbling before her eyes, the situation at hand is far bigger than she could have imagined.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 18
Kudos: 101





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HI!!! I haven't written in so long, and this probably won't be that good. I do want to warn everyone ust once more that this story does deal with heavy subject matters such as sexual assault. I am writing these parts based on my own experiences with sexual assault, which happened extremely recently, and I just wanted to put that out there. I hope you all enjoy, and I will gladly take tips since I edit everything myself. I am not great at writing, but it just fun to do.

Rey started off her mornings the same. She woke up, took a shower, brushed her teeth and got dressed, and met her best friend, Poe Dameron, at Starbucks. It was her routine. She liked starting each day the same. She hated the feeling of uncertainty, and preferred to know exactly what was going to happen. Some people don’t want to know what the future holds. They want to be surprised. Rey was not one of those people. She liked to plan ahead. She never wanted to be surprised. So when her barista told her that they didn’t have hazelnut syrup, and were unable to make her drink, she wasn’t exactly sure how she should react. 

  
She blinked slowly, and tilted her head to the side. This had never happened before. She looked over to Poe who was across the store waiting for his drink. He was too absorbed in his phone to notice that Rey was having a mini crisis. She always got the same thing from Starbucks. She didn’t exactly want to try something new. “Oh, that’s okay. Thanks anyways,” Rey said softly to the barista. She turned away and walked over to Poe, her brows furrowed. He held a small coffee in his hands. He looked up from his phone and noticed the expression on her face.

“What’s wrong? Did you order your drink?” Poe asked, grabbing a few napkins from the dispenser in case he somehow managed to spill his coffee on the way to school. Rey was frustrated. This had never happened before. Her routine was thrown off, and she wasn’t sure how to feel about it. The feeling of uncertainty wasn’t quite there, but she could feel anxiety begin to bubble up in her stomach. She simply shrugged and told him that they couldn’t make it since they didn’t have the syrup. 

“Why didn’t you just try something new? I feel like you should branch out. You’ve been getting the same order from here since Freshman year. We’re seniors now. I think this is a sign,” Poe replied. They walked out the door together and began to venture to their high school. Rey rolled her eyes. This was so like him. He was always one to preach, but was never one to listen. She loved Poe with every fiber of her being, but he really got on her nerves sometimes. 

“I didn’t feel like trying anything new. I get the same thing every time because I like it. What if I try something new and I hate it? Then what do I do?” Rey asked. Not knowing what to do with her hands, she adjusted the straps on her backpack. She wasn’t used to walking into school empty handed. As the pair arrived to Endor High, they are met with a crowd of kids. Poe raises his voice to talk over the crowd. 

“Rey, the whole point is that you’re doing something you normally wouldn’t do. It’s about the experience. This doesn’t just apply to coffee, you know.”

Rey rolled her eyes once more and pushed past the steel green doors. She is met with a cold rush of air. The sudden change in temperature sends a shiver down her spine. She parts ways with Poe, promising to see him at lunch. The feeling of anxiety gets stronger as she walks to her locker. Her day didn’t start off as it should have. She grabbed her books from her locker, desperately trying to ignore the pit in her stomach. She walked to her first period class. AP Literature. 

She didn’t have many friends in this class. In fact, she didn’t have any. Despite that, it was actually her favorite class. Rey had always preferred English and writing. She just had a natural talent for putting thoughts into words and words onto paper. On top of all of that, she adored her English teacher, Ms. Organa. She was a petite woman, but she never let her size fool anyone. The passion she has for teaching is what made Rey love her. She truly loved what she did for a living, and Rey admired that. She could only hope that she loves her job that much in the future. Rey sat towards the front of the class to ensure she was able to absorb every ounce of information that Ms. Organa gave. If there was one thing that Rey loved, it was learning.

However, today was different. She wasn’t sure if Ms. Organa’s class was going to be enough to fix her mood. She wasn’t exactly sure what she was feeling, but all she knew was that it didn’t feel good. As she grabbed her copy of the book they were reading, she wondered if it were possible if she still had a hangover. It was a monday morning, and she had been drunk on Friday night. Poe had dragged her to a house party, and she drank a little bit too much. She barely remembered anything. She figured she had probably done something embarrassing, so she didn’t mind not remembering. Her head had felt a little fuzzy ever since. Rey had only been drunk a handful of times, but a hangover had never lasted this long. She knew something wasn’t right, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She tried to ignore it once more, refusing to let stupid thoughts get in the way of her school work. She was a star student, and the last thing she wanted to do was disappoint Ms. Organa. She focused on the reading, and managed to get through the whole class. She began to feel her head throb when the bell rang. She told herself if it continued pass lunch, she would go see the nurse. Her head wasn’t the only thing bothering her, though. She wasn’t on her period, but she was having what felt like cramps. This normally didn’t happen, so Rey was a little concerned. Her whole day felt off, and she hated that she had to start the week like that. The pain only increased throughout the day. 

Finally, after what felt like a million years, it was time for lunch. Rey sat at her normal table outside in the courtyard, and took her lunch out of her backpack. She usually ate a salad, a small bag of chips, and something sweet. Today, she had a salad with italian dressing, a bag of plain Lays, and a small chocolate chip cookie. She liked to keep her routine of eating the same thing. Today, however, she didn’t feel hungry. She only felt more anxious than she did before. She tried to think of what could be the source of the unsettling feeling. Did she forget to study for a test? Did she forget the key to her house? Did she lose something?

Oh. And there it was. Rey felt her stomach drop after the last thought ran through her head. She must have lost something. She just couldn’t put her finger on it. She put her fork down on top of the container that held her lunch, and put her head in her hands. She felt as if she was forgetting something important. 

“I don’t know why I was so worried about my test in English after you helped me study. Remind me to never doubt you again,” Poe said as he walked up to the lunch table. He set his lunch tray down and looked at Rey. “Rey, is there something wrong?”

She lifted her head out of her hands and looked at him. She shrugged. Poe stared at her, as if to prompt her for more information. 

“Oh, I don’t know. It’s probably nothing. My head has been hurting and I’ve been having cramps. I didn’t get my coffee this morning, and I’ve just been really anxious. I feel like I might have misplaced something. I think I’m forgetting something. I thought it might have been a hangover from Rose’s party on friday, but there is no way it would have carried onto today,” Rey explained, her brows furrowed. Poe tilted his head to the side, and scratched his head. 

“Jesus, Rey. It sounds like you’re having a rough day. I didn’t even know you went to Rose’s party. You could have invited me, you know.” Poe grabbed his fork and started to dig into the mashed potatoes on his plate. “It doesn’t sound like a hangover. Like you said, you’ve been anxious. It’s probably just because you started your day on the wrong foot. Tomorrow will be better. Is there anything I can do for now?”

Rey sighed, feeling frustrated. She couldn’t help but feel that there was more. Deciding not to make any more of the situation, she smiled and agreed. She guessed that there was no point in going to the school nurse. It was only anxiety, right?

When the day finally ended, Rey walked home alone. Poe had to stay after school for robotics, so her walk home was lonely. Her parents were usually gone, as they traveled for work quite a bit. She didn’t mind being alone most of the time, but walking into an empty house only added onto the anxiety she had been feeling all day. She decided to relax and take a hot shower. Rey didn’t often look at her body in the mirror due to self confidence issues, but tonight she wanted to try to give herself some compliments. She was willing to try anything to make herself feel better. As she stripped in front of the mirror with the shower running, she felt nauseous. Her eyes travelled below her waist, and she could feel bile coming up in her throat. On her hip was a tiny, barely even there, hickey. Rey hadn’t even had her first kiss. She frantically searched the rest of her body, only to find another one on her stomach. She doubled over the toilet and vomited. She was afraid she had lost something. And she might have been right. 


	2. Doctor's Office

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it took me a while to write this one. I know the information about the doctors is probably incorrect, but i have no idea how that process goes, seeing as i never sought out medical attention, let alone reported it. anyways, im glad to see people enjoying this. Dont worry, reylo comes soon ahaha.

Rey sat on her bed wrapped in a towel. She managed to get through her shower. She scrubbed every inch of her body, hoping to wash away whatever was wrong. Who had given her those hickeys? Did she sleep with someone? What really happened at that party? Did it even happen at the party? Had she bumped into something and somehow given herself those light purple marks? A million questions swirled around in her head. Her thoughts threatened to suffocate her. She didn’t even know where to start. She didn’t remember anything from Rose’s party. She didn’t usually drink so much, but she wanted to let loose for once and have a good time. Rey struggled to take a deep breath. She didn’t want to overreact. She decided she would get all the information before reacting. Deep down, she knew what most likely happened. The pain in her lower abdomen was impossible to ignore. There were few explanations for it. Her head was reeling. She stood up and let the towel fall to the ground. She stepped in front of her full length mirror and inspected her body again. Her eyes raked over every inch. It made her feel sick. She tore her eyes away from the mirror and slipped into some pajamas, desperate for the day to be over. A good night's sleep was bound to help a little. She crawled into bed, and prayed for sleep to come. 

When Rey was awakened by her alarm, she thought that everything from the night before had been a dream. A wave of relief washed over her. She stretched her arms above her head, giving herself a minute to wake up. She stood up and walked herself to the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. Once she reached the bathroom, a sharp pain ran through her body, almost knocking her to the ground. The feeling of relief was gone. Anxiety and dread quickly replaced it. She lifted up her shirt to see if the marks were still there. Unfortunately, they were. Rey’s movements were slow. She washed her face and brushed her teeth. She got ready for school as she would any other day. Her head felt empty. She thought about meeting Poe for Starbucks, and then realized that it didn’t matter. She wasn’t going to go to school. She decided to go to her local Planned Parenthood. She needed more information before she reacted. She remembered what she had told herself the night before, and she planned on sticking with that. She grabbed her keys and jumped into her tiny brown KIA, and backed out of her driveway. Music played quietly through her speakers. She couldn’t focus on anything other than driving. When she reached her destination, she realized her knuckles had gone white from gripping the steering wheel. She was nervous, and had no idea how to do this. She walked in, and explained to the clerk that she didn’t have an appointment, but she needed to speak with someone right away. The woman seemed annoyed, but about ten minutes later, she was called to the back. She was led into a room with soft white walls and an examination table. 

“Rey, my name is Doctor Holdo. It is my understanding that you have some urgent questions?”    
Rey looked at the woman in front of her. She had a kind smile, and a white jacket with bright colored pins. She felt like she was in a dream. She replied slowly, afraid of asking what she really wanted to ask.

“I’ve been having some pain in my lower abdomen, and I have, um, hickeys on me. I went to a party and got pretty drunk. I guess what I’m wondering is if there is any way that you can tell if something happened to me?” Rey figured it was best to get it out in the open. She felt shame wash over her. Doctor Holdo looked at her with a sympathetic look in her eyes. 

“There is no way for me to tell you if you were assaulted. That, unfortunately, is only something you can figure out. I can, however, see if you have damage done to your cervix. Seeing as you’re eighteen, you can sign all the papers on your own,” Doctor Holdo responded, reaching behind her for a clipboard. Rey felt like she was underwater. Damage to her cervix? Is that even possible? Her hands traveled to her lower stomach. She was afraid. She signed all the papers, and Doctor Holdo prepared her for what was going to happen next. It was uncomfortable, and foreign. The stirrups were cold, and she felt alone. She wished she had someone to hold her hand. After it was all over, Doctor Holdo told her what she had seen.

“I am seeing some bruising to your cervix. I usually only see this in rape victims. I can give you some resources, and a hotline to call. I can also call the police for you if you would like to file a report.” Rey scoffed. She didn’t even know if anything had happened! How was she supposed to file a report if she didn’t even know if she had been assaulted or not. She took the papers from the doctor, and left as quickly as she could. At least now she knew why she was in so much pain. She drove home, and collapsed in her bed. She hadn’t looked at her phone all day. She had about a million text messages from Poe.

**Poe: Where are youuuuu???? I’ve been at Starbucks by myself for twenty minutes. I even ordered you your coffee.**

**Poe: You never miss first period. Something is up. Call me.**

**Poe: I can’t believe you aren’t answering me. I might have to revoke your best friend status.**

**Poe: I didn’t mean that last message, obviously. But seriously, call me! I’m worried.**

Rey scrolled through his messages, too exhausted to answer. She would go to school in the morning. She didn’t want to talk to Poe right now. She loved him to death, but she needed to figure this out on her own first. She had so little information. She decided to call Rose Tico, her friend who had held the party. The phone rang twice before she picked up.

“Rey! How are you? You weren’t at school today,” Rose exclaimed. Rey cringed at how loud her voice was, but ignored it. She should have figured out what she wanted to say beforehand.

“Hey, Rose. I’m doing alright. I need to ask you something, though,” Rey replied, getting straight to the point. “What happened at your party on friday? I think I drank a little too much. I don’t remember anything.” She anxiously waited for Rose’s reply. 

“Hmm… If I remember correctly, you seemed to be having a pretty good time. You were hanging around Hux a lot.”

  
This confused Rey. Hux? Her and Hux weren’t really friends, but they were friendly. Rey had actually tutored him before. He had asked her out a couple of times in their junior year, but she had politely declined. 

“Hux? Do you know if we, uh, did anything?” The words sounded all wrong coming out of her mouth. She didn’t know what else to say. How was she supposed to phrase it?

“Oh, uh, I’m not sure? I saw you guys go into a bedroom, but I assumed you guys were having a good time. Did something happen?” Rose asked, concern growing in her voice. This caused Rey to panic.

“Oh, no. Everything is okay. I don’t think anything happened. Thanks for answering my questions, though! I had a great time at the party.” 

Rey hung up before Rose could get another word out. 

She dry heaved and could feel anxiety flow through her veins. Hux? She didn't want to jump to conclusions, but she felt like she was putting the pieces of the puzzle together. Some sick, demented puzzle. She didn't know what to say. Hux seemed so sweet. He seemed like a nice guy. She still didn't know if it happened or not. Maybe she was making something out of nothing. She plugged her phone in and sighed. She felt alone. She had never been in a situation like this before. She had no idea what to do. She didn't know exactly what had or hadn't happened. She figured she would talk to some more people who were at the party. Maybe she would even talk to Hux. Until she found out what actually happened, she was going to try to put the whole thing behind her. It was probably one big misunderstanding. Rey crawled into bed and tried to sleep. She tossed and turned for about an hour before giving up. Her whole body itched. She felt uncomfortable. It felt as if bugs were crawling all over her skin. She couldn't take the feeling for much longer before she ended up jumping in the shower. She turned the water on as hot as it would go, and she scrubbed her skin until it was raw. Once she was done, she looked at the time. Her alarm clock read 4:32 AM. Rey was frustrated with herself. She had to be up in twenty minutes for school. How was it possible that she was in the shower for that long? She got dressed and ready for school. There was no point in trying to sleep. It wouldn't do her any good. She decided to keep her word and put it behind her. She began walking to Starbucks like she did any other day. 

She did not want to be the girl who cried rape. 


	3. Swingset

Once Rey arrived to Starbucks, she ordered her usual coffee, and waited for Poe to walk through the door. She was earlier than usual, due to her lack of sleep. She didn’t have anything better to do, and she was too anxious to sit still. She tried to tell herself that she had no reason to be anxious. She knew better than that, though. She knew she should trust her gut, but she refused. She sipped slowly on her hazelnut coffee. As soon as she saw Poe walk in, her stomach dropped. She hasn't responded to any of his messages. What was she supposed to tell him? He was her best friend, after all. She knows she could tell him anything. What would she tell him? She didn’t even know what she was telling herself. He walked over to Rey with a concerned look in his eyes. He grabbed his drink from the mobile order counter and sat down across from her. Deep down inside, Rey felt like he somehow knew, even though that was impossible. 

“Where the hell were you yesterday? You almost never miss school. What’s going on?” Poe asked. Rey felt like she was in an interrogation room. If she were hooked up to a lie detector, she would have been fucked. She took another sip of her coffee before answering. She needed to collect her thoughts, or else she wouldn’t be able to hold it together. All she needed was three extra seconds to get her story straight. 

“I ate some bad sushi. Food poisoning. Violent vomiting, the whole thing. It was awful,” Rey lied. She took another sip of her coffee. She was lucky she had taken three years of acting classes when she was in middle school. Even with that, though, she wasn’t sure if Poe bought it. He knew her better than anyone else. It felt like he was looking right through her.

“Ew, okay, stop. No more of that, please. Well, at least you’re feeling better! Yesterday was hell without you. At least text me back next time. You had me worried. I almost sent the SWAT team to your place.” 

Rey let out a weak laugh. She felt drained. She couldn’t tell if it was the lack of sleep or the lack of information she had. She had never felt like this in her life. She knew something was wrong.

Rey walked with Poe to school. They walked through the doors with their arms linked. It was like this every day. It was her routine. She should feel better, things are going as they normally would. But somehow, things were as far from normal as they could be. She waved to Poe and walked to her first period. She didn’t bother going to her locker to grab her books. She was off her game.

Rey walked through Ms. Organa’s door, and walked straight to the back of the room. She slid into a seat, and put her head down. She was exhausted. She was exhausted in every possible way. Her limbs felt heavy. She just wanted to sleep. Rest felt so far away. Ms. Organa began teaching, rambling on about the book they were reading. On a normal day, Rey would be engaged in the lessons, asking and answering questions. She turned her head to the side and rested her cheek against the cold desk, feeling the coldness seep into her skin. The sensation left her with a fleeting feeling of being refreshed. It didn’t last long. Her eyes were barely open, but she could see someone sitting next to her. She had never seen this person before, and began to further inspect. He had shoulder length black hair. Dark eyes. A grey shirt and a blue pen in his hand. Rey always found it strange how she could be in the same class as someone for almost an entire year, and never notice them. She looked down at his paper to see what he was writing, when she found that he wasn’t writing at all. He was drawing.

This caught her attention. She sat up slightly and leaned over to look at what he was drawing. Normally, she wasn’t this invasive, but curiosity took over. He was sketching a flower, the stem of it winding all over the page. She was in awe. She was never good at art, so it always amazed her when others were so good at it. As she was staring at the mystery boy’s paper, he turned to look at her. 

“It’s called a passion flower. Have you ever seen one?”

His voice startled Rey, and she nearly fell out of her desk trying to lean away from him. She could feel her face turning bright red. She couldn’t believe herself. What had gotten into her?

“N-No. I haven’t. I’m sorry for looking onto your paper. I was just curious, I guess. I’m sorry,” Rey stammered. The boy smiled slightly, and shrugged. 

“It’s alright. I don’t mind. Don’t worry, you aren’t the first person to look,” he replied. He began to shade in one of the petals with a purple colored pencil, and Rey found herself staring again. She was mesmerized by the movements. 

“What’s your name?”

Rey snapped out of it, and looked at the boy. He met her gaze, and she noticed that his eyes were a dark brown, similar to hers. 

“Rey. What’s yours?”

“Kylo. It’s nice to meet you. I don’t mean to be rude, but why are you sitting back here? Don’t you normally sit at the front? I mean, no one sits back here except for me,” he said, grabbing a dark green colored pencil. Talking to new people wasn’t a thing Rey normally did. And he was right. She did normally sit at the front.

“I just needed a change, I guess. To be honest with you, I have no idea why I’m sitting back here. I can move if you’d like,” Rey said. She reached for her things before a hand wrapped around arm to stop her. 

“No, you don’t have to. It’s nice to have some company back here. It does get kind of lonely,” Kylo said, his hand still on Rey’s arm. She looked down at her hand with wide eyes, and quickly pulled away. It was almost like she had a full body reaction. She moved the desk along with her, which made a loud scraping noise. Nearly everyone in the class looked back at her. Ms. Organa looked up from her laptop. 

“Rey, are you alright?” Ms. Organa asked, lowering her glasses down onto her nose. 

“Y-Yes. I’m fine. Can I go to the bathroom?” Rey asked. Her voice was shaking. She left before she could get an answer, leaving her things behind. She opened the door and ran out, frantically trying to get to the bathroom before anyone saw her. She felt adrenaline rush through her body. Once she got into the bathroom, she ran into a stall and collapsed onto the floor. Her head was throbbing, and a rush of memories came back to her.

_ Rey grabbed another red solo cup and took a sip. She felt dizzy and light. She was having a good time. She was talking to Hux. She hadn’t known him too well, but well enough to say hello in the halls and what not.  _

_ “Hey, I want to show you something. I have a surprise for you,” Hux said. Rey giggled. She liked surprises. She followed him up Rose’s stairs to a bedroom with a balcony. She stumbled into the bedroom and leaned against the wall. Hux followed and closed the door behind him. The chaos of the party faded to a low rumble. Rey could feel the bass through the floor. He pulled out a tiny bag of his pocket, along with something in the shape of a cylinder. She tilted her head. Hux headed towards the balcony, and opened the door. He motioned for Rey to step out, so she did. She looked out onto the neighborhood. It wasn’t much of a view. She felt the warm breeze on her face, and she smiled. She felt good. When she turned around, Hux was lighting the end of what looked like a pipe.  _

_ “Do you want a hit?” _

_ Rey scrunched up her nose at the smell.  _

_ “What is that?” _

_ Hux laughed, and handed it to her. She took the pipe with a hesitant hand.  _

_ “It’s just a little weed. It won’t hurt, I promise.”  _

_ Rey shrugged. She had smoked weed a few times with Poe, but it had never smelled as strong as that. She figured he was right. It couldn’t hurt. She took the pipe into her mouth, and Hux lit the end of it. She inhaled, and felt her lungs burn. Once she exhaled, she coughed. She felt lightheaded. She stumbled back into the room and walked towards the door. She struggled to find the handle. Her hand grazed it before a hand snaked around her arm and yanked her back. _

_ “Where do you think you’re going?” _

_ Rey turned around and looked at Hux. The friendly look in his eyes was gone. She tried to pull away, but her arms felt like jelly. He dragged her by her arm onto the bed. She was in a haze. She felt so tired, as if she might black out.  _

_ “Stop,” Rey said weakly. She could barely move. Maybe drinking and smoking together wasn’t such a good idea. Hux ignored her pleas and instead pulled her dress up and her underwear to the side. Rey froze. She couldn’t move. She was horrified.  _

_ “I know you like it rough. The quiet girls always do,” Hux said, unbuckling his belt. Before she could even attempt at fighting back, he forced himself into her. She winced in pain, but she was too afraid to move. Rey felt all emotion drain from her body as he sucked tiny marks into her skin. She felt him everywhere. She couldn’t stay awake. The mixture of the two substances was too much for her to handle. She passed out. _

Rey leaned over the toilet and vomited. She felt dirty. Violated. Used up. What was she supposed to do with this information. She put her head in between her knees and did the only thing she could. She cried. 

She stayed like that until the bell rang. She caught her breath, and stepped out of the stall. She looked at herself in the mirror, and inspected herself. She looked disheveled. She wiped her eyes, and stepped out of the bathroom. She realized she had left her things in Ms. Organa’s room. Rey was too embarrased to go back to get them. She couldn’t stay at school. There was no way. She pushed her way through the crowd, trying to make her way to the front doors. She knew the consequences of leaving school, but she didn’t care. She was lost in thought when someone bumped into her, hard. She looked up, and Hux was staring at her with his hand extended.

“Do you need some help?” 

Rey felt another surge of adrenaline. She pushed herself off of the ground and bolted out the doors. She didn’t want to go home, but she couldn’t stay at school. She began walking in the opposite direction of the school with no specific destination in mind. All she knew is that she needed to get away. After walking for a while, she stumbled upon a park she used to go to when she was younger. Rey made her way to one of the swings and sat down. She felt void of all emotion. She felt like she should be reacting differently. She knew she should report it, but she simply couldn’t imagine having to recount a story that she wasn’t entirely sure was true. She wrapped her hands around the chains of the swing, and pushed off with her feet. She swung up high for a while until her legs got tired. She thought of when she was younger. Things used to be so easy. From afar, she saw the sillhouet of a tall man. As he got closer, Rey realized that it was Kylo. He was holding her backpack.

“You left this in class. I’m sorry if I upset you,” Kylo said in a soft voice, sitting down on the swing next to her. She didn’t respond. “I know I don’t know you very well, but you seemed really upset. Did something happen?”

Rey snapped her head up. She had been staring at her shoes, acting like the dirty laces were the most interesting thing in the world. 

“Nothing. I’m okay. I would rather not talk to you. I don’t even really know you,” Rey said. Her voice had a sharp tone to it, cutting through the air. Kylo raised his hands up in the air as if to say he would back off. Rey immediately felt bad. It wasn’t his fault. This week had been the craziest week of her life, and it was only Wednesday. Here she was, snapping at someone she barely knew. She didn’t feel like herself in the slightest. 

"I'm sorry. I just don't want to talk about it. Aren't you supposed to be in school?" Rey asked, trying to change the subject. The sun was hitting Kylo in all the right places, and Rey couldn't help but notice that he was actually kind of pretty.

"Aren't you?"

"Fair enough. Listen, thanks for bringing me my stuff. I've got to run," Rey said, reaching for her bag. Kylo's presence was making her nervous. Everyone was making her nervous. He opened his mouth to say something, but she began walking back to the sidewalk before he could say anything. As she walked home, a million thoughts ran through her mind. She couldn't keep anything straight. She let herself into her room, and crawled into bed with her clothes still on. 

She felt empty. She had lost something, after all. She had lost herself.


	4. Isolation

The walk home from the park was a lonely one. She thought it was strange that Kylo had thought to check up on her. Maybe she was just imagining things, and he just happened to be there at the same time. Whatever the reason was, deep down inside, Rey was glad that he found his way to her. Even though he had no idea what was running through her head, it felt nice to have someone other than Poe show interest in her as a person. 

When Rey finally made her way home, she stood in front of the mirror for a while. Despite how uncomfortable looking at her body made her, she couldn't look away. She studied nearly every square inch of skin before she went to bed, just to make sure that she is untouched with no marks. The thought of hickeys make her sick. She knows she looks different. Her posture has gotten worse, and the bags under her eyes have done the same. Rey looks exactly as she feels, and she hates it. She doesn't want anyone to notice and to ask her what's going on. She would rather just get through this on her own. Her fear of confrontation prevents her from doing almost anything. She climbs into bed every night, praying for sleep to come, and for safety to come with it.

The next day in English is strange. Rey can feel her classmates' eyes on her as she walks through the doorway. She stares hard at the linoleum floor, wishing that it would just open up and swallow her. She hated being stared at. She hated being noticed. It felt like some sort of crime. She walked to the back with her head down, not wanting to draw more attention to herself by sitting in the front. Rey slid into the seat, placing her hands flat onto the desk. She felt the coldness seep into her skin, bringing her a moment of peace. The change in temperature seemed to regulate her mood only for a moment until Kylo walked in. As soon as her eyes met his, Rey began to panic. She knows she shouldn't be scared of him. He hadn't done anything wrong. It wasn't his fault that she freaked out. She forced herself to look in another direction. She felt bad enough, she didn't want to cause anymore problems for him. She could tell people already looked at him a certain way. He sat down at the desk next to Rey, and pulled out his notebook. Rey resisted the urge to check if he had drawn anything new. She stared at the front of the class, waiting for Ms.Organa to start teaching. She might as well try to pay attention. She was trying to move on, and this was her first step. Just to push through.

About twenty minutes into class, Rey focuses back into reality. She feels so disconnected from her body, and she can't seem to focus on anything. She breathes out slowly, trying to contain her frustration. Why was her brain failing her? Why couldn't she do what she wanted? What would it take for her to go back to normal? She clenched her fists, hard. She was so angry with herself. She wanted to hurt, she wanted to let it out. Instead, she let it boil inside of her. Rey was on the verge of tears when Kylo slid her a piece of paper. It was a sketch of her, looking forward in the class. Her first instinct was to call him a creep. It was strange that he was drawing her when he barely knew her. ON a second thought, Rey found the gesture really sweet. While studying the drawing, a tear slid down her face and onto the drawing, splashing onto the bottom left corner of the paper. Rey didn't know what was wrong with her. She felt like a shell of a human, and she didn't know it was possible to feel this awful. She wanted it to stop more than anything else. Rey's thoughts were beginning to consume her, and she was trying hard to not let them. She was ripped from her thoughts when Kylo slid a second piece of paper onto her desk. This time, there were only words.

_Are you okay?_

Rey laughed out loud, drawing the attention of some of her classmates. She quickly looked down at her desk, and waited for them to turn around. Passing notes. It was middle school stuff. She found it funny that she was passing notes in her Senior year. She grabbed a pencil from her bag, realizing she hadn't taken a single thing out in the first place. She really was beginning to stop caring. 

_Yes, I'm okay._

There was no reason to share her problems with a boy who sat next to her in English. She didn't gain anything from it, and neither does he. The last thing that Rey needs is someone wrapped up in her problems. She didn't want to bother anyone anymore than she had to. She passed the paper back to him. She felt awkward sitting next to him, awaiting a response. She tried to distract herself by playing with the string of her hoodie. Kylo passed the note back within thirty seconds.

_Do you want to get out of here? It seems like you could use a break, and I have an excuse that can get us out of here._

Rey read over the note a few times. She has never been the kind of girl to skip class for no reason. The day before was an exception. She wasn't about to make it a daily thing. She debated in her mind whether she should take him up on his offer. She didn't know how, but he was right. She did need a break. Being around so many people was overwhelming, and she felt exhausted. On the other hand, she didn't want to disappoint Ms. Organa. She went over this in her mind for a few moments. Rey didn't know what to do. In the end, she made up her mind.

_Sure, why not? I'll go with you._

Kylo read this, and cracked a small smile. He got up and walked to Ms. Organa's desk, and began to talk with her. Rey couldn't hear what he was saying, but when he was done, he motioned for her to come with him. Anxiety pulsed through Rey's veins. What if they got caught? She normally didn't do things like this. This was new for her. She grabbed her things, and walked out of the classroom with him. Her heart was beating hard, and she felt like she might throw up.

"What now?" She asked, nervousness prevalent in her tone. Kylo looked at her and tilted his head. 

"You don't need to be so nervous, Rey. We aren't going to get caught. Let's just go, okay?" Kylo said, reaching out for her hand. Rey took a step back. She didn't know if she was ready to hang out with a guy she didn't know that well all alone. She was afraid. She didn't want to be afraid, but she was. She could feel it everywhere. Her emotions were crashing inside of her like waves. She wanted to hurt and to cry and to laugh. She felt like she was completely out of control of her life. Not knowing what else to do, she simply just followed Kylo out of the building. If there were ever a time to give in to self destructive tendencies, Rey figured that now was the time. She didn't care what happened to her at this point. She followed Kylo down the sidewalk, not bothering to make any conversation. She didn't have anything interesting to talk about. She had begun to realize what a boring and bland person she was. It felt that way at least.

"I know I don't know you very well, but I don't think I've given you any reason to be afraid of me," Kylo said. Rey jumped a little bit, surprised by his deep voice. They had been walking in silence for a while. She wasn't sure how to respond. He was right. He hadn't given her any reason to be afraid of him. She knows he wasn't trying to make her feel bad, but this made her feel worse about everything. Maybe she was overreacting. She wanted to respond, but she was afraid to. "I just want to say that you don't need to be afraid of me, that's all," Kylo added. Rey responded with more silence.

They walked for a while longer until they reached the park they had been at the day before. Rey felt like her legs might give out on her. It wasn't that far of a walk, but she was tired. Everything hurt and everything was sore. She wanted nothing more than to lay in her bed alone. She had gotten really good at it. She sat on the curb near the swingset, and stared forward. She couldn't say anything, she just didn't have the energy.

"You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, but I can tell that you might need a friend. I just want you to know, that even though you might be afraid of me and you might not know me that well, I can be here for you if you need. No questions asked. Just if you ever need to get out of class or something," Kylo said softly. He sat down next to Rey, and stared forward along with her.

Rey hated to admit it, but he was starting to slowly grow on her. Maybe sitting in silence with someone else wasn't so bad after all. 


	5. Failure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Wow, thank you so much for all the positive comments on this story! I usually only update when I'm on break from school. I'm off for a week for a holiday that my city celebrates, so I've been a little busy.  
> TRIGGER WARNING!!!! The word R*pe is used frequently in this chapter, and there is a somewhat graphic flashback scene. Please proceed with caution!  
> The National Sexual Assault Hotline - Call 1-800-656-4673

The first thing Rey thinks about in the morning is her reflection. Getting out of bed was hard enough, but she found that it was looking at herself that was the hardest part. She couldn't lie, sometimes the sight of herself made her want to vomit. She used to have fairly good self confidence, which was something she prided herself on. She spent years building up her self confidence, and for that to all be thrown away? It was almost unbearable. She tried hard not to look at herself, but it was usually unavoidable. She just felt like she didn't recognize herself. She had changed more than she could have ever known. Despite all of this, Rey woke up this morning thinking about the next step. Not just the next step in her recovery, but in her life as well. She knew she needed to get over this. She had allowed herself to be upset, and now she needed to focus herself back on school. She was graduating so soon, and she had so much to do. Rey's head was practically overflowing with deadlines and college admissions. She needed to move on. She needed to be able to look at herself and feel something other than humiliation and shame. Those two feelings used to be strangers to Rey, but now they've become well acquainted. At the end of every day, she falls into the embrace of complete and utter hopelessness. This scared Rey. She hated that her dark thoughts were where her comfort came from. She hated that she didn't mind wallowing in self pity, and allowing things to only get worse. She also knew that it wasn't her fault. She's coming to terms with her problems, and she is sick. Rey doesn't want anyone's help, and she she doesn't want anyone to worry. At the end of the day, she assumes that keeping it to herself is the best solution.

Rey stumbled out of bed, and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. She was tired. She hadn't been sleeping well, and she wasn't sure what she needed to do to fix it. She had tried sleeping pills, aromatherapy, and she even tried dragging out an old stuffed animal from her childhood. Nothing was working. She had given up and settled for an average of two to four hours of sleep every night. Rey stood up straight and walked to her bathroom. The morning light was beginning to spill into Rey's room, giving the grey carpet and lavender walls a soft glow. As the dust settled in her room, Rey put both hands on the sides of the sink and stared into the mirror. Her eyes traveled from her eyebrows to the bridge of her nose. She stared right between her eyebrows, and watched as her features slowly became distorted and warped. She didn't know who she was looking at. She tore her eyes away and grabbed her toothbrush. As she opened the cap to the toothpaste, she couldn't help but notice how mechanical she felt. She was just going through the motions. It was like she wasn't even in control anymore. She brushed her teeth slowly, trying to focus on how the bristles felt in her mouth. She was desperate to just feel something. Rey's train of thought was interrupted when she gagged slightly on the toothbrush. She spit into the sink, and suddenly felt lightheaded. She sank to the floor and tried to breathe, but she couldn't catch her breath. She doubled over, feeling the cold bathroom tile against her cheek. She was terrified, and didn't know what to do.

_Rey shut her eyes and tried to focus on what was happening. She was too afraid to open her eyes. Hands roamed all over Rey's body, and she felt shockwaves of pain ripple through her. The hands were lifted, and brought to her mouth. Rey couldn't shut her mouth tight enough, and her jaw was forced open. The lack of oxygen was too much for Rey to take, as she felt herself fading in and out. She gagged hard, her face feeling sore. Suddenly, the air flow returns, and she gasps. Rey coughs and spits, beginning to cry. She didn't know what was going on, and she was too afraid to open her eyes. Seeing it would only be confirmation, and she didn't want that._

_"You're so pretty," Hux said softly._

_Rey felt sobs rack throughout her body, matching with the beat coming from the party just below them._

Rey stared forward, stiff. She wanted to cry, vomit, and shower. She knows that she wants to remember, but she wasn't sure if this was really what she wanted. She wished she hadn't remembered it at all. She thought it was the not knowing that would kill her. In fact, it was quite the opposite. She stood up and rinsed her mouth. This was a huge setback, and she knew this. Rey's mentality was that if you can ignore it, it will eventually go away. She looked at the time, and realized she didn't have time to shower. Rey took a deep breath and got dressed. She knew she was falling apart, but she also knows that she is getting away with deceiving those around her. Rey firmly believes that honesty is the best policies, but the only reason she isn't telling anyone is because she knows it would cause problems in their lives. She rushed out of the door with her backpack, and practically ran to Endor High. She got there with four minutes to spare, so she made her way to her locker. She wanted to try to be organized, and stay in a class for the entire time. She needed to fix her grades, and she needed to fix them fast. She didn't have any time to mess around. She stood in front of her locker, and looked around inside of it for a hair band. She felt the air shift slightly behind her, and heard a male's voice.

"Well, I don't know. I don't really want a girlfriend right now. I just want someone I can have a good time with, you know?" Rey looked in the corner of her eye, and saw Hux and a few of his friends standing behind her. 

"What about her?", one of his friends said, lowering his voice. "The girl with the purple shoes." The group laughed. 

"Yeah, she's pretty," Hux said. They continued on the subject, moving onto another girl. She felt bile rise up in her throat. She forced herself to swallow it, and walked as calmly as she could out of the building. She couldn't believe herself. She hadn't even gotten halfway through the day, and she was quitting. She cursed herself, and wanted her willpower and determination to return. It was like all of her good qualities had simply gotten up and disappeared. She walked down the sidewalk until she reached a bench. She took a seat, slinging her backpack onto the spot next to her. She couldn't go back there, not when he was there. Terror implanted itself in her bones, latching on and refusing to leave. Rey was at a loss for words. She was scared, yes, but she was worried as well. If she couldn't even make it to her classroom, how was she supposed to do all the work she's been missing? There was too much at stake for Rey to handle. She needed to get back on track. The world didn't stop for anyone, and it certainly wasn't going to stop for her. She took several deep breaths before trying to think about her next move. She used to love planning ahead, but now the thought of the future gave her a headache. She put her fingers to her temples, and tried to focus. She figured she could try and go back to school, but she didn't know what would happen if she did. Her next thought was to just go home, and try again tomorrow. Trying was all she was capable of. Rey decided to go home. As she frequently did, she got lost in her thoughts as she walked home. She had realized how often she didn't feel like herself, and it was scary. She knew she needed the extra help, but she wasn't sure how to ask, especially since it's such a stressful time in everyone's lives. 

"Hey!" Rey jumped and looked ahead of her, seeing Kylo walking in her direction. She rolled her eyes, and wished he would go away. She didn't want anyone else in her life at the moment, she couldn't handle the stressful task of getting to know someone knew. How was she supposed to focus on herself if she had to focus on someone new? She didn't want to be rude, so she fought the urge to cross the street. His company was nice for the most part, but she was irritable today, and upset with herself and others in general. Once he got close enough, he tilted his head and studied her closer. 

"You're upset again," Kylo said, his brows furrowed. Rey rolled her eyes again. "What makes you think that I'm upset?", Rey replied. She wasn't in the mood to be interrogated. All she wanted to do was to go home and cry. Kylo laughed softly, and pointed to her eyes. "You're crying, so I guess that would be my first hint."

Rey's hands flew up to her eyes, and sure enough, he was right. She had gotten a head start on crying, she guessed. She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. She was angry that anyone had to see her like that, especially someone she didn't know that well. She decided to change the subject, hoping he would forget. "You're late for school," she said, a hint of snark showing through her voice. She wanted to come off as intimidating. Maybe that way what happened wouldn't happen again. Either Kylo didn't realize she was trying to be rude, or just didn't care. "Well, so are you. What's wrong? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Kylo said. He sat on a patch of grass nearby, and motioned for her to come sit. Rey didn't know why she was obeying him, but maybe instead of going home to mope, some human interaction would be better. She convinced herself that she was doing this for her mental health, rather than she was doing it because she was lonely. She sat next to him, and stayed silent. There were so many things wrong that she wasn't even sure how to answer that question. She felt alone, disgusting, dirty, and completely misunderstood. She was overwhelmed with emotion all the time. Tears welled up in her eyes once more, but she was able to notice it this time. She had been raped, and it had turned her entire world upside down. She hadn't told anyone, and she felt as if the word was written across her forehead. The thought of Hux calling her pretty has plagued her mind since that morning, and all she wanted to do was feel clean. Tears ran down her face and her breathing became erratic. It was almost like Kylo wasn't even there. She shut her eyes tightly, and rocked back and forth. She didn't know what to do. What was wrong? The real question was, what isn't wrong?

"Nothing is wrong," Rey said, wiping her face and trying to slow down her breathing. Kylo looked at her in the eyes and shook his head. She felt awful for lying. She knew he just wanted to help. She felt like a terrible person. The problem was, she wanted the help, but she didn't want to ask for it. Instead, she just sat next to him, periodically wiping the tears from her eyes. "You don't have to pretend all the time, you know. I feel like I would consider us to be friends now, at the very least. I can tell something is up. I won't force you to tell me, but I will tell you that you don't have to carry whatever it is that you're carrying alone," Kylo said. He glanced at Rey once more and realized she was shaking. Rey cursed her body for betraying her. She used to be able to control how her body reacted along with her emotions. Kylo pulled the sweatshirt off of his torso, and handed it to Rey. He placed the dark blue sweatshirt into her hands, and opened his mouth to say something. "You looked cold."

Rey burst into tears again. His kindness was a lot to handle. She had been feeling isolated from the men in her life. She hadn't talked to Poe in a while. She knew she couldn't lie to him forever, so she avoided him and his text messages. Poe was angry with Rey, and she knew that. She had been ignoring him for weeks, and that wasn't okay. She would fix their friendship eventually, but she knew she had to act fast. She just didn't have any motivation. She didn't understand why she was crying. Kylo was just so nice to her, and he didn't have to be. Lately, she's been afraid to walk down the hallway at school because whenever a man walks behind her, she starts to panic. The fact that she has allowed Kylo to talk to her so many times and she has never freaked out was the equivalent to an accomplishment for her. She couldn't stop crying. Sob after sob spilled out of her with no end in sight. Behind the blurry shield of tears in her eyes, she saw Kylo open up his arms to give her a hug. A surge of panic ran throughout her body, but she didn't have enough time to say that she didn't want to be touched. As she got ready to get even more upset, his tight embrace actually managed to calm her. He squeezed her tight, arms wrapped around her entire torso. Rey was a small girl, and Kylo was a lot bigger than her. Even though he had this advantage, Rey wasn't scared. As soon as they touched, she knew he had good intentions, and that he was a good guy. Nonetheless, she didn't want to let any information slip out. She didn't want him to know about tall the disgusting things that Hux had done to her. She didn't want anyone to know about anything. As soon as Kylo pulled away, Rey, unable to control her actions, opened her mouth. "Thank you for being so nice to me. I would consider us to be friends, too."

Kylo smiled at Rey, and for the first time in what felt like years, Rey smiled back.


	6. Lullaby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> There is a self harm scene in this chapter, so if that isn't your thing, please skip! I made it a point to write at least 3,000 words for this chapter. I'm trying to be able to write more for longer amounts of time. This one took a while, so I hope everyone likes it.

After Rey’s encounter with Kylo, she went home. Her night went as per usual. She had taken a long nap, and only after eating she realized she was still wearing Kylo’s sweatshirt. Her hands reached for the hem of the dark blue sweatshirt to pull it off, but then she stopped. She figured it couldn’t hurt to wear it to bed. Besides, it got cold in her room. What Rey wasn’t willing to admit to herself is that she was proud of herself for interacting with someone new, and his sweatshirt was her trophy. She crawled into bed, praying for sleep. She was surprised when it actually came with ease. 

As golden light poured through Rey’s windows and spilled onto her face, she slowly opened her eyes. The patch of sunlight had warmed her skin, and she woke up feeling better than she normally did. She took a deep breath, inhaling through her nose. She noticed that it smelled like cedarwood with a hint of vanilla. She got up and walked to her bathroom, completely forgetting about her dread with reflections. She flipped the light switch on before rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She looked at herself in the mirror, focusing on the sweatshirt she was wearing. She turned around, inspecting it all around. It was fairly large on her. Kylo was a lot bigger than her, and although it did make her nervous sometimes, it sometimes came as a comfort to her. She bunched the hood of the sweater and took a deep breath. She quickly stopped herself, feeling embarrassed. She didn’t know this boy. Rey felt like she was acting like a stalker or something. She pulled the sweatshirt off of her body, and stepped into the shower. She didn’t particularly like to shower. After all, it did involve looking at her body. The other problem was that she felt so dirty, so she spent more time in the shower. It had become a cycle. Needless to say, dry shampoo had become her best friend. She grabbed a lavender washcloth and began to work soap all over her body. She tried not to pay attention to her body, but sometimes she just couldn’t help it. She tended to get distracted by her freckles. They used to remind her of constellations, but now they resemble nothing. She powered through the rest of her shower. She grabbed a fluffy lavender towel, and wrapped it around her body. She was going to be late, and she was determined to stay the entire day. She threw on a tank top and some jeans, grabbing her backpack and Kylo’s sweatshirt. She rushed outside, and was immediately hit by a cold rush of air. Goosebumps formed all over her arms. Having already locked the door and not wanting to waste time, Rey threw on Kylo’s sweater. She would just give it back to him later.

As soon as Rey got to Endor High, dread began to fill her stomach. She needed things from her locker, but she didn’t want to run into Hux and his friends. Not after what had happened yesterday. She wanted to have a good day, but she also wanted to at least try to be prepared for Ms. Organa’s class. Rey walked through the doors and began to head in the direction of her locker. The least she could do is scope the surrounding area. She might be able to grab some of her things after all. She managed to grab her things and get to class on time. She felt accomplished as she walked through the doorway, greeting Ms. Organa with a warm smile. She was worried about seeing her beloved english teacher. A feeling of relief surged through Rey when Ms. Organa gave her a smile back. She had thought about taking her seat back up front, but then she thought of Kylo. He had been so kind to her, and she didn’t just want to act like he didn’t exist. She slid into her seat, feeling nervous. Kylo was sitting right there, sketching away in his notebook. She thought of a million different ways to approach Kylo about the sweatshirt. She was just letting her anxieties get the best of her. She didn’t understand why she was so nervous. She was just giving him his sweatshirt back. And besides, they were friends at this point. How was she somehow making this more awkward then it needed to be. She tapped Kylo on the shoulder, refusing to overthink the silly subject any longer. He set his pen down and looked up at her. Rey was mesmerized by his deep brown eyes. She never thought brown eyes were the prettiest, but looking into his changed her mind.   
“Hey! You made it to class!” Kylo exclaimed enthusiastically, a smile blooming on his face. Rey felt a spark in her stomach, and smiled back at him. Her cheeks turned scarlet when she realized his intense enthusiasm had attracted some looks. Kylo took notice of this as well, and snaked his hand around the back of his neck. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so loud. But hey, you’re here. That is what matters.” Rey was glad she came to class. She didn’t expect him to react that way, but she was glad that he did. “Yeah, thanks so much. I actually have your sweatshirt, I didn’t mean to run off with it yesterday,” Rey said, slowly looking down at her own body. She realized she was still wearing it! She had meant to take it off before she went to her locker, but her own thoughts had distracted her. “Oh god, I’m sorry, I just forgot to take a jacket with me and I was going to take it off before I even got here,” Rey stammered. She was so embarrassed. It was like she could only have a good thing if it came back to hit her in the face. Kylo laughed, a little harder than Rey had ever heard before. She went to pull off the article of clothing but he stopped her. His hand was resting on hers, and Rey could feel her face growing red once more. “Don’t be silly. It’s fine. You can just keep it, you seem to get cold pretty easily,” he joked. Rey laughed along weakly, pulling out a pen and her notebook. She seemed to get through the class with ease. At one point, Kylo had passed her a little note with a drawing of a bear on it. She thought it was adorable, especially considering that her favorite animal was a bear. By the time her class was over, she was feeling good. She was secretly glad that Kylo was letting her keep the sweatshirt. It was true, she did get cold easily. Before she transitioned to her next class, she made sure to give Kylo a wide smile. 

Things when she got to her Civics class, however, were not so easy. Rey had missed so much of this class, and she barely knew what was going on. And to top it all off, she hadn’t even bothered to email her teacher about makeup work. She was worried, so she went straight to the back of the classroom, avoiding confrontation as usual. They were doing partner work, and of course, everyone but Rey had a partner. She was perfectly fine with working by herself when Hux came through the door. She had completely forgotten that he was in this class. She couldn’t believe it. Her heart began to race, and she could feel her entire body start to shake. She knew how these things went. She would probably end up being paired with him. She couldn’t even let that happen, so Rey went to her teacher. “I need to work alone,” Rey said, her tone of voice frantic. She was visibly upset, so her teacher sent her to work in the library with no questions asked. She brushed by Hux as she rushed out. She felt as if his touch had been outlined with a red hot blade. She felt her skin turn to static, and tried to make the tears go away. She walked to the library as calmly as she could. The last thing she wanted to do was attract attention to herself. She had already been doing enough of that. Her legs felt like jello, and she cried more tears of relief when she saw the library not too far off into the distance. She walked in and collapsed behind a bookshelf in the back. She buried her head into her knees and cried silently, only letting the occasional sniff slip through. It was a library after all. She would hate to be an interruption. She already felt like one. It took Rey quite some time to calm herself down. Once she got her breathing under control, she grabbed tissues out of her backpack and blew her nose. She was relieved when she could breathe easier. Her body still felt like it was on fire. She snaked her hand underneath her sweatshirt and scratched vigorously over the patch of skin that Hux had touched. She scratched until she felt wetness underneath her fingernails and fingertips, realizing she had torn her own skin open. She pressed down on her left upper arm, hoping that the jacket would make it stop. She put on hand sanitizer after this, hoping to scrub any evidence of this unfortunate incident away. Is that what she was calling this? An unfortunate incident? It was most likely some sort of psychotic break, but she refused to even think about it. She could barely move from the spot she had collapsed in. Terror consumed her. It embraced her completely, and she couldn’t break out of it’s hold. Rey felt broken. The thought of having to live the rest of her life like this was horrific. She couldn’t live in this endless cycle where all she is capable of doing is getting hurt. Rey knew that things were getting increasingly more difficult. She sat up slowly, closing her eyes. She needed to sit up, at least. The cold metal ridges of the bookshelves pressed into her spine, causing her to wince slightly. The fluorescent lights made her nauseous. She opened her phone to text Poe, and then stopped herself. If she was going to text him, then she needed to make it about him. She was sure she had caused him at least some kind of pain. She did kind of ghost him for a while. She opened a message draft and swiped her fingers across the keyboard. 

Rey: Hey, sorry I’ve been MIA. Just been one of those months, you know? Let's have dinner on friday! Please?

Rey pressed send and anxiously waited for him to respond. She would understand if he didn’t, but she needed to at least do one thing right. Her heart jumped when she saw a grey bubble pop up, bobbing steadily. 

Poe: I missed you! I wasn’t mad, just worried. You can make it up to me by trying something new at starbucks with me tomorrow morning. I have a date on friday, you have missed a lot. Love youuu! 

Rey realized she was holding her breath, and then let it go. Relieved was an understatement. She knew she would have to eventually tell Poe about everything, but she was going to avoid it for as long as she could. She was happy that he wasn’t angry with her. That was a big weight off of her shoulders. Rey’s mind drifted from Poe to Kylo. She wanted to see him again. She couldn’t exactly put her finger on it, but she found his presence comforting. She realized that she didn’t have his number. Making a mental note to ask him for it later, she got up off of the ground. She waited for the bell to ring, and went to her next class. She had this one with Poe, so they got to spend some time together. He explained to her that he wasn’t angry.   
“I was never mad at you, I just wished you would have told me that you were gonna be MIA for a little while,” Poe said. He had just taken a seat next to Rey. Poe was late to class, as per usual. He liked to think of himself as fashionably late. Rey was happy to see his face, and she almost forgot about all of the bad stuff that had happened earlier. Poe made things easy. He joked about everyone, and he was actually quite catty. He always knew the latest gossip, and he loved to entertain Rey with it. By the time class was over, Rey was smiling wide. She had a half day schedule due to her being a senior, so she walked out of the front gates. Poe had walked her out, and then walked off with Finn. Rey knew Finn only a little bit. They had had classes together in the past, but they had never really talked. Poe couldn’t stop gushing about him, so Rey figured that they might be going out. As she watched the two men walk off together, she thought about what she might eat for dinner. She had had a fairly good day, and she wanted to end it off with a good meal. She hadn’t been eating regularly. Her stomach was constantly in knots, re-tangling and then untangling. It was a mess. She was lucky if she could even keep a granola bar down. She had been sticking with light things like rice, gum, and water. She knew it was extremely unhealthy, but she didn’t really care. Her health was her last concern. She didn’t have much at the house, and she didn’t like fast food. As she was thinking about her dinner situation, she felt someone tap on her shoulder. She turned around, and was greeted by Kylo. Butterflies took flight within Rey’s stomach, catching her off guard.   
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Kylo said, looking Rey in the eyes. For the first time, she was able to truly notice how beautiful he was. She had to look up at him. “I was wondering if you maybe wanted to come and grab something to eat with me,” Kylo asked, rolling his sleeves up. Rey smiled, trying to mask her excitement. “Sure, that would be awesome. I was actually just wondering what I was gonna eat for dinner,” Rey responded. She hoped she didn’t come off as too eager. Tiny stabs of doubt were starting to make her feel anxious. He smiled back at her, and motioned for her to follow him. The front of their school was actually really crowded. The anxiety began to set in for Rey. People accidentally brushing by her and bumping into her had her feeling overwhelmed. She shut her eyes and grabbed Kylo’s hand, unable to control her actions. She was afraid. She shut her eyes and let Kylo guide her through the crowd. Once they were out, Rey immediately let go of Kylo’s hand. Her cheeks turned crimson, and she looked at the ground, avoiding his gaze. Kylo didn’t seem to really notice, to Rey’s relief. They walked side by side, on their way to an unknown destination. Rey decided to break the silence for once. “Where are we going?” Rey asked, shoving her hands into the pocket of the sweatshirt. She felt awkward speaking first. “Well, I was thinking of going to this taco truck that’s around here. Unless, you don’t like tacos?” Kylo said, looking down at her. She thought it was funny, their size difference. “I like tacos,” Rey replied, looking into his eyes. He really did have gorgeous eyes. 

“What’s your favorite color?” Kyo asked Rey. The sun was setting. They had been walking for about ten minutes, and they were getting closer. Rey laughed at the question, but then realized that he was serious. Kylo didn’t know a whole lot about Rey, and she could tell that he wanted to learn. It was different, and strange. “I think my favorite color is blue, but like, light blue. I also really like lavender. What about you?” She replied, excited to find out what his favorite color is. Rey thought that what a person’s favorite color is says a lot about them. Kylo scratched his head, and then opened his mouth to respond. “I think red is my favorite color. You know, I almost never hear about another person’s favorite color being red anymore,” Kylo said, laughing to himself. Rey was slightly surprised that he didn’t say black, considering that he wears so much of it. When she looked back, she realized they had arrived at the taco truck. There were a few people around it, all enjoying their meals. Rey got excited. It had been a while since she had gone out like this. They went up, ordered their food, and then sat down. It was dusk, the sky painted purple and pink. Rey had ordered nachos in the end, she just couldn’t resist the cheese. Kylo had gotten three very large tacos, and Rey made sure to point out their size to make fun of them. They sat down at a picnic table, and were both looking at the sky. It was a beautiful night, and it was one of those rare times that Rey felt absolute euphoria. She took a deep breath and smiled, feeling genuinely content and happy with her surroundings. She watched Kylo eat his food, and she couldn’t help but notice a long scar on the left side of his face. She didn’t want to be rude and ask. That was probably a question for another day. She instead, decided to inquire about other things. “What’s your favorite movie, and your favorite movie snack? These are really important ones,” Rey said, picking up a nacho from the paper container and shoving it into her mouth. She was having a good time, and she didn’t feel anxious or stressed about anything. “Well, I really like Scream. It isn’t scary, but I just like the cheesiness of it. It’s got character for sure. As for my movie snack, I like mozzarella sticks. I know, it's a little unconventional,” Kylo answered, brushing his hair out of his face. Rey had the urge to lean over the picnic table and kiss him. She widened her eyes at the thought, calling herself crazy. She would never do something like that, she didn’t have the guts. They talked like that for a long time, until it started to get late. 

“I can walk you home,” Kylo said, gradually getting closer to Rey as they walked away from the taco truck. Rey wanted to decline his offer, not wanting him to go out of his way, but she accepted gratefully. She was afraid of walking home by herself. “That would be really great, thank you,” Rey said. They talked the whole way back, and didn’t realize that her hand became intertwined with his by the time they made it to her house. Rey walked up to her door step and began to say goodbye to Kylo. “I really had a good time. It’s always nice to meet other people. Nice people, I mean. I just enjoy your company,” Rey rambled, her cheeks tinted pink. She didn’t know what to say. Kylo smiled at her. “You are a very nice person, Rey. We should hang out more often. Not just when you’re skipping class.” Rey laughed and rolled her eyes at him. Before she could get the words out, Kylo wrapped his arms around her, squeezing tightly. She breathed him in, relaxing underneath his touch. He drew back, waved, and then walked down the street. It was like she had just had a paranormal encounter. He was so special, and she couldn’t put her finger on exactly why. It was almost like he was her guardian angel. She went inside, changed into her pajamas, and crawled into bed. She took the sweatshirt with her, pulling it over her body. Sounds of Kylo’s voice and the smell of vanilla slowly put her to sleep. She could get used to this kind of lullaby.


	7. Oblivion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!!  
> There are scenes of recreational drug use in this chapter, so if that isn't your thing, please skip! In this chapter, Rey does show some unhealthy behavior towards drugs.   
> This took me a few days to write. I've been studying for my midterms. I didn't forget about you guys!

When Rey woke up, she was excited to go to school. She wasn’t excited to sit in a room with Hux, of course, but she was excited to see Kylo. She had also agreed to go to Starbucks with Poe that morning. Something she was not excited about. She knew she had to match Poe’s energy, and that would be hard. Yesterday was the best day Rey had had in a while, and she wished she could replicate it. She crawled out of bed, and got dressed. She peered outside, and realized it was raining. She groaned, and rummaged through her room looking for her umbrella. It was light blue with little cartoon raindrops on it, and it was her favorite. Although rainy weather was her favorite, it could be quite annoying. She made sure to pull on her rain boots after brushing her teeth. She decided to keep wearing the sweatshirt. It was soft, and it was particularly cold and rainy that day. Rey didn’t want to leave Poe hanging, so she left and began walking to the Starbucks. The sky was dark grey, and the sun was nowhere in sight. She opened her umbrella, listening to the raindrops fall onto the vinyl material. She loved the sound of rain. She had always found it relaxing. When Rey finally made it to the coffee shop, she noticed that Finn was standing next to Poe, waiting for their drinks. They were laughing about something, so Rey decided to order her drink before going over to them. This time, she decided to order a White Chocolate Mocha coffee. She wasn’t entirely sure if she was going to like it, but Poe wanted her to try something new. It was the least she could do after nearly ghosting him. “Good morning,” Rey said, beaming at both of them. She desperately wanted to ask Poe if he and Finn were official, but she resisted the urge. The last thing she would want to do is embarrass him. Poe pulled Rey into a hug, smiling back at her. “It’s been so long since we’ve gotten coffee together. I hope you don’t mind that Finn is here,” Poe replied, blushing slightly. Rey giggled. She had never seen him like this before. “Of course it’s fine, the more the merrier!” She said, going up to the counter to grab her drink. She made sure to show Poe that she actually did end up getting something new. They all walked to school together, and she was having a good time. Before entering the building, she looked around for Kylo, hoping to see him. To her disappointment, she didn’t. She shrugged it off, shaking out her umbrella before wrapping the velcro around it and closing it. She knew she would have to go to her locker to put her umbrella away, but she was scared. She had managed to be able to do it without running into Hux and his friends, but she wasn’t sure she would be able to get away with it again. She took a deep breath, saying goodbye to her friends. She walked to her locker, praying that no one would walk up behind her. As she put in the combination to her locker, she felt her heart sink as the air behind her shifted once more. This time, Rey turned around. To her relief, it wasn’t Hux, but instead Kylo. She smiled widely at him, and then stopped, not wanting to seem too excited. She had been thinking about him. He just kept popping up in Rey’s mind.

“Good morning,” she said, turning around, trying to contain her excitement. She grabbed two pens from her locker along with a notebook. She closed it, and turned around to face Kylo now that she had found her composure. She inspected him, letting her eyes wander. He was wearing a plain grey t shirt. She never really saw him wear any kind of color, which she thought was a little strange. She often liked to wear purple, even if it was just painting her nails. She felt that having a pop of color was important. “How are you?” Kylo asked, starting to walk towards their english class. Rey could hardly believe it! He was walking with her to class. She had never had a boy walk her to class before. She let waves of euphoria crash over her. “I’m okay, how about you?” She replied. They got to their class and both took their seats. Rey’s stomach churned, and she doubled over. She started to feel anxious, and she didn’t even know why. She could feel the hot tears begging to slide down her face, but she refused to let them. She was so angry. She was having a great morning, and now this? Nothing had even happened! She felt like her body was betraying her, and she began to feel even more angry than before. She laid her head down on the desk, facing away from Kylo. She didn’t want him to have to see her emotions. If he didn’t see them, maybe he wouldn’t have to worry. Rey could barely stand to sit still, so she politely asked if she could go to the bathroom. As soon as she heard the click of the classroom door closing, she let the tears flow. She didn’t even know what she was upset about. She ran to the girls bathroom, and shut herself into a stall. She looked along the walls through her tear filled eyes and tried to focus on something other than what she was feeling. She could only feel herself falling deeper into the pit of despair. Her emotions were mixed, and she could never make a clear decision about how to move forward with her recovery. She wondered if it were even possible to recover when no one knows. Her body ached. It didn’t ache from physical touch, or pain. It ached for when it felt clean. When it felt like a body, and not a shell. Rey ached and yearned for the times where she was able to look at herself with confidence, and for when she felt like a human being. She leaned her forehead against the stall door and breathed out. She didn’t want to miss too much of class, so she walked out of the stall and to the sink. She looked at the baby pink paint peeling off of the cement bricks on the walls. The girls bathroom looked washed out. Half of the lights had gone out, with only two flickering lights to provide any kind of light. She washed her hands to kill some more time, and by the time she was done, she had scrubbed her hands raw; The feeling of clean didn’t come easy. She stepped out of the bathroom, hit by a rush of air. She didn’t want to reveal any of her feelings to Kylo, so she attempted to mask them completely. 

“Hey, you okay?” Kylo asked as Rey slid into her seat. She nodded back with a smile of reassurance. She picked up her pen, and began to draw tiny flowers all over her notebook. She had no idea why she was so nervous before. She hadn’t seen Hux, only Kylo. She truly had no idea why she had been so anxious. She brushed it off, and turned to talk to Kylo. She really did admire his ability to somehow make her at ease. “I was thinking, maybe we could hang out again?” She asked, a hopeful tone in her voice. She knew she needed to try to crawl out of this hole she felt she had dug for herself. She didn’t realize that she didn’t dig it, but instead Hux had been holding the shovel over his shoulder the whole time, digging it for her. She felt it was her fault any of this had happened in the first place, and didn't know how to forgive herself. Kylo looked her dead in the eye, and replied. “That would be really nice. I had a great time with you. You’re a good conversationalist,” Kylo responded, flipping through his notebook. Rey was assuming he was looking for something. When he finally flipped to the last page, Rey stared at it. He had drawn her. In the the drawing, she had her head propped up on her hand, and her hair was cascading all over her shoulders. It was beautiful. He tore it out of the leather bound notebook, and handed it to her. She had never received a gift like this before in her life. It was so thoughtful and sweet. She almost didn’t know what to say. She could barely muster a thank you, her face turning bright red. She extended her hand to take the paper, and looked directly into Kylo’s eyes. He was kind, and she knew it in her soul that he was kind. There was nothing that could change her mind. “This is beautiful,” Rey stammered. “Thank you so much, no one has ever given me a gift like this before,” Rey added, wanting to express her gratitude to the fullest. Kylo smiled back. “It’s no big deal. Do you maybe want to hang out again today? Only if you aren’t busy. I was thinking of going to the movies tonight. I wanted to see a new movie that just came out, and I don’t have anyone to really see it with.,” Kylo explained, zipping up his backpack. She smiled, elated that he had asked her. “Yeah, that would be fun. Would it be okay if I met you there? What time were you thinking?” She asked, wanting to nail down solid plans. “Yeah, that sounds good. You can meet me there at six thirty? Does that sound okay?” Kylo replied, now standing up. Class was about to end, so Rey did the same. They walked towards the door together, bumping shoulders. Rey didn’t want to completely rip off her skin when he brushed next to her. Instead of red hot pain, the touch brought warm feelings to her. She could feel her stomach begin to churn again, and then she finally realized what was wrong. She was anxious to see Hux. She had her next class with him. While she may have been able to get out of partner work with him once, she knew she wouldn’t be able to do that every time. She had gotten lucky. Just the thought of being in the same room as him made Rey want to throw up. When the bell rang, Kylo didn’t walk in the direction of his class. Instead, he stuck by Rey’s side. “Sorry, I thought I would walk you to class,” Kylo said, pulling on the straps of his backpack. “That is totally fine, thank you. You know, I haven’t made new friends in a long time. It’s been really fun hanging out with you lately, even if the first couple of times were only because I was upset,” Rey said. She was trying to talk in order to distract herself from the intense feelings of anxiety coursing through her veins. “I’ve always been kind of shy, but I’ve only recently started breaking out of my shell. I only have a few close friends, but I feel like that’s all you really need sometimes,” Kylo replied. His hand brushed past Rey’s, and she felt a jolt of electricity run through her body. She adored Kylo, and she especially adored how gentle he was overall. 

“Kylo! What’s up, man?” Rey looked behind her and saw a flash of red hair. Her heart dropped, and she felt as if she was going to fall through the floor. Hux walked up to Kylo, and the pair began talking.   
“Hey man, how have you been?” Kylo asked, smiling back. Rey watched the interaction go down in horror. She couldn’t do anything but stare. “Nothing much, just the usual,” Hux replied, running his fingers through his hair. He turned away from Kylo to look at Rey. He looked her in the eyes and smiled. Rey felt like she was going to die. Hux brushed past her, sliding a hand on her lower back as he pushed into the classroom. Kylo turned back to Rey. “Have a good rest of your day, I’ll see you tonight. I’m looking forward to it,” He said. He walked down the hallway, and Rey just stood in the doorway. She didn’t know they were friends. She tried not to jump to conclusions, but it was hard not to. Was Kylo just sizing her up? Did he just want to do what Hux did to her again? She shook her head, Kylo wouldn’t do that. It wasn’t something she should worry about, but if they were friends, she might need to stop hanging out with Kylo. She needed to limit interaction with Hux as much as possible. She walked into her class and sat in the back. As long as she didn’t look at him, or hear him, she would be fine. She fell asleep on the cold surface of the desk, falling asleep to thoughts of Hux calling her pretty. Needless to say, she woke up in a cold sweat. She decided to skip the rest of the day. She went home, and sat in the shower. She was desperate to feel nothing. The problem was that she felt too much at some times, and during others, she felt too little. There was no middle ground for her, and she had no idea how to fix it. She wanted the ability to relax, but it felt so far away for her. She laid in her bed until the clock hit five thirty. That was her cue to start getting ready. She had almost no energy. Seeing Hux drained her of any energy she had left in the first place. She wondered if she would be doing better if she didn’t have to see him anymore. She decided not to think about it anymore, and got dressed. She didn’t wear anything fancy, just comfortable. She figured he wouldn’t be wearing anything too fancy either. She just didn’t want to do too much. When she met him at the theatre, she was nervous. She was mostly nervous to face him after finding out he was at least friendly with Hux. She wanted to at least hear him out.

“I was gonna get some snacks, do you want anything specific?” Kylo asked. Rey really didn’t want him to spend his money, so she politely declined. When they got to their seats, rey decided to question him during the previews. “So, are you and Hux friends?” Rey asked, her voice shaking slightly. She wasn’t going to reveal any information about what had happened, but she did want to get a feel for how Kylo felt about the red headed man. Kylo finished chewing on his mozzarella stick, and shook his head. “No, not really. We worked together on a project last semester, and I had to go to his house a few times to work on it. Honestly, I think he’s a bit of an asshole if we’re being completely honest,” Kylo stated, scrunching his nose up at the thought of him. Rey let out a sigh of relief. They weren’t friends. That was good news for her. “Yeah, I think so too,” Rey said quietly. She found that it was hard to even say his name. Adrenaline rushed through her body, it’s source unknown. She stood up, and looked down at Kylo. “I can’t be in here, I’m sorry. I have to go,” Rey stammered, running out of the theatre. As soon as she reached the front of the cinema, she sat on a bench. She had cried so much that day. Only a few tears fell from her eyes, despite knowing she wanted to cry more. She had just ruined what could have been seen as a date, and it wasn’t like she could go back in there. She put her head in her hands and sat there, unsure of what to do. She sat there for about five minutes, deciding what to do when someone sat down next to her. She didn’t bother to look up. She didn’t want to. She felt an arm snake around her waist, and squeezed. “I’m sorry if I made you upset,” Kylo said. “Do you want me to walk you home?” Rey felt awful. She had ruined a perfectly good night, and here he was, offering to walk her home. She wiped the tears from her eyes and looked at him. She shook her head, unable to form words in the way that she wanted to. It took her a little while to be able to speak. “I don’t want to go home. I’m sorry I ruined tonight. I don’t know what’s been going on with me lately,” Rey explained. She wasn’t completely lying to him. Only a little. “I want to spend time with you tonight, if you still want to. I understand if you don’t,” Rey added. She was afraid that he would be scared off. She had definitely come off as emotional in the little time that they had known each other. Kylo didn’t say anything, but instead grabbed her by the hand and led her out of the theatre. She wasn’t entirely sure where they were going, but she didn’t try to object. She was nervous to let him lead the way, but she felt safe with him in the end. They went to a park nearby, and sat underneath a tree. “Sometimes movie theatres can be a little overwhelming for me,” Kylo said softly. He pulled his sweater off and laid it onto the grass, offering Rey a place to sit. It had been a long time since she had just sat with the trees and nature itself other than a few days earlier when she ran out of school. The cool breeze felt good on her skin. She saw Kylo digging into his pockets and pulling out what looked like a thicker version of an eyebrow pencil. Upon closer inspection, she saw that it was actually a dab pen. Poe would get those occasionally for when he would go out of town, simply saying that it’s for a good time. The thought of getting high made Rey anxious, but she also felt a pang of desire and want. She wanted to escape so badly, but she knew what happened last time she was under the influence with a guy she barely knew. Kylo inhaled and breathed out the thick grey smoke. Rey watched as it travelled through the leaves of the tree, and waited until it would all disappear to look at Kylo again. He held the device out to her, offering for her to join him. She was hesitant, but she ached for it. She wanted the self destruction. She wanted the self sabotage. She took it from him, rolling it in between her hands. She pressed the button down, and the blue light illuminated her face as she took a hit. She coughed a little bit as she exhaled, earning a laugh from Kylo. Slowly, her body began to relax. She hadn’t gotten high since the night of the party. She thought she would feel more freaked out, but it was quite the opposite. She craved more, taking another hit. Before she knew it, she was positively fucked up. She couldn’t even be angry with herself, wasn’t this what she wanted. 

“I hope you don’t think I’m a drug addict or anything,” Kylo said, breaking the silence. Rey giggled and shook her head. “Of course not, I don’t think that. Besides, I did it too,” Rey responded. Her eyelids felt heavy, and she searched her brain for something to talk about that wasn’t too depressing. She felt like she somehow made every conversation depressing. “Don’t these give you popcorn lung?” Rey asked, pointing to the cartitrage that held the THC oil. Kylo shrugged. “That’s what some people say. I figure that it is inevitable that we all die, so why does it matter?” Rey was surprised by that answer. She didn’t think that Kylo was so pessimistic. It didn’t bother her, it just contradicted how he acted most of the time. “I guess so, I think that’s a little dark to say. I like to think that it does all matter. I want it to matter,” Rey said softly, leaning on Kylo’s shoulder. Her heart was beating so fast. She didn’t want to pass out. “Well, Rey, I would say that you might be the pessimistic one here. You seem so upset all the time. Why is that?” Kylo inquired. Rey didn’t know how to respond. She thought for a second that maybe she shouldn’t respond at all.She looked at the sky, playing connect the dots with the stars. She wanted to pretend like she didn’t hear him. Maybe it was time that she tell someone. The words were coming up, but getting caught in her throat. “I don’t know why,” Rey said, not ready to tell him, “Probably just a chemical imbalance. My head isn’t right.” As soon as the words came out of her mouth, she regretted saying anything at all. Now he probably thought she was insane. Kylo didn’t respond. He looked at his watch. “It’s getting late, do you want me to walk you home?” He asked. She wasn’t going to lie, she was a little disappointed that the night was ending. Time seemed to have passed so slow, but when she checked the time herself, she noticed that it was nearly ten. She nodded, and they began to walk to her house. She smelled the air and concluded that it smelled like rain. “I think it’s going to rain,” Rey remarked. She felt like she was floating. She truly didn’t want the feeling to end. “Yeah, I think it will. I can smell it too,” Kylo responded. He slipped his hand into hers, and they walked together. She decided to ask him about it, keeping in mind that she didn’t see a lot of friends hold hands. “Why do you hold my hand sometimes?” Rey was feeling especially inquisitive that night. “Human touch is important. Touch doesn't have to be romantic to be meaningful,” Kylo responded, giving her hand a squeeze. Her heart fell, hoping that he wasn’t referring to them. She didn’t want a relationship, mostly because she didn’t think she would be able to handle one. That didn’t mean that she didn’t want one in the future. One that could potentially be with Kylo. Rey stumbled up the steps to her house, attempting to unlock her door. She turned to Kylo, looking him up and down. She wanted to run her fingers through his long, dark hair. If she had to describe him, she would describe him as a gentle giant. 

“I had a great time with you, Rey. I’m sorry if I had upset you earlier tonight,” Kylo apologized. Rey’s heart cracked once more. She wanted to tell him so badly that it was nothing that he did, and that it was all her fault. The words kept getting caught in her throat. Instead, she wrapped her arms around the larger man, and let herself relax into his arms. He returned the gesture She pulled back first, wanting to look at him once more before she went inside for the rest of the night. “I had a great time, too. Please just ignore my emotions, they tend to get the best of me,” Rey explained, hoping to make Kylo feel better about how the first half of the night went. He smiled at her. “How can I ignore how you feel?” He turned around, and left with those words hanging in the air. Rey watched him walk off, and wondered what the next day at school would be like. She crawled into bed with bloodshot eyes, and a stomach full of butterflies.


	8. Destruction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!!  
> There are graphic scenes of r*pe described in this chapter as well as self harm and drug use. Please read with caution!   
> National Sexual Assault Hotline - 1-800-656-4673

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooooo. I know I took longer than I said I would for this chapter, but trust me, I think it's worth it. I pushed myself to write 10,000 words! So I did for this chapter. I'm out of school because of the coronavirus, so I will be writing more! I'll probably update in a week or so, maybe sooner. This chapter took a LOT out of me. I enjoyed writing it, but it was a little depressing. I made a twitter account if anyone would want to interact on there. I just thought I could post updates on there, as well as other star wars content lol. its @Icedameron  
> I hope everyone enjoys the new chapter!

When Rey woke up the next morning, she knew she had to shower. She felt greasy, and her head was throbbing. She remembered everything about last night with Kylo, and cringed at the memory of some of the things she said. Rey glanced at her alarm clock, unsure of what time it was. She was relieved when she realized that she did have time to shower before school. She jumped into the shower, and thought about how things would be with Kylo. She felt like things escalated a little quickly last night. Not in terms of them, but in terms of emotions and actions. They were still getting to know each other, yet Rey was crying in front of him constantly, and he gave her the chance to get high. It was all very confusing in Rey’s mind. She didn’t know if she was going to develop an unhealthy attachment to the dark haired man, which she felt was a possibility. On the other hand, she wanted to see where things would go. There was no denying that she was attracted to him. Kylo was sweet and gentle with her, and has never made her feel uncomfortable. She feels safe around him, and safety just happened to be something that Rey had ripped from her fingers. As Rey dried off and began to get dressed, she thought about Kylo even more. She didn’t want to date anyone right now, and that included Kylo. She wanted to stay friends, and make sure that she can really trust him. Rey looked into the mirror, and looked into her own eyes. She felt a stab of despair when she saw the empty look in her own eyes. There was almost no life in the person who was staring back at her. She shook her head, and grabbed her things. She was trying to be more consistent with meeting Poe in the mornings. Rey knows that Poe is busy, and wants to make time for him. Rey pulled on her sneakers, hoping that it wouldn’t be too cold outside. Even as the chilly air hit her face, it did nothing to distract her from Kylo. She didn’t want to rely on him for everything, and she really didn’t want to rely on drugs to make her feel better. She looked at the sidewalk as she made her way to Starbucks. She wanted to maybe try something new, and was trying to pull items from the menu in her head. When she walked in, she was surprised to see Kylo. “Kylo? What are you doing here?” Rey asked, walking up to him. He had a coffee cup in one hand, and a book in the other. He was wearing a slightly oversized grey sweater, and a pair of black jeans. Plain as always. He finished taking a sip of his coffee, and looked down at her. “I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night,” he responded, smiling weakly. Rey felt her stomach drop slightly. She was a little disappointed that he wasn’t more excited about seeing her. She brushed that off, and pulled up a chair next to him before ordering. “Was something keeping you up?” Rey asked, her voice drenched with concern. Kylo laughed a little at Rey, finding it funny how worried she was. “You told me not to worry about you, so you can’t worry about me! It’s only fair,” Kylo said. Rey rolled her eyes, pretending to be annoyed with Kylo’s remarks. In reality, she was embarrassed that he remembered that she had said that. Rey’s face grew slightly red. “Anyways, what are you up to this weekend?” Kylo asked casually, looking into her eyes. She felt like he could see right through her. It was unexplainable. She knew she should probably stay home and clean. Her room was looking pretty rough. She had been having a hard time getting out of bed, so cleaning was difficult as well. It was starting to overwhelm her. She hated to say no to Kylo, but she knew she should. “I don’t know, I’m probably going to stay home and clean. Spring cleaning, and all that good stuff,” Rey said, making eye contact with Poe. He raised his eyebrows at Rey, and she knew he was questioning her choice of friends. Before Kylo could respond to her, Rey turned her attention back to him and began speaking. “I actually want to introduce you to someone,” Rey said, pulling Kylo by his sleeve over to where Finn and Poe were standing. She figured she needed to get this out of the way. She knew Poe would already be a little hurt because she didn’t really tell him about Kylo. On the other hand, not a whole lot of people knew Kylo. He was kind of a mystery. “Poe, this is Kylo,” Rey said, introducing the pair. Poe didn’t seem to disapprove at first glance, but Rey was still nervous. Poe’s approval mattered to her, even though she wished it didn’t. Poe smiled at Kylo, giving him a small wave. That wasn’t a bad sign. Kylo smiled back, returning the warm feelings. “Poe is my best friend, and also the reason all my money goes down the drain in order to feed my caffeine addiction that he started,” Rey joked, trying to break the slightly awkward silence. Kylo and Poe simply just stood there looking at each other. She rolled her eyes and went to grab her drink from the counter. She never knew that she would be in the position where her two worlds would collide. She never thought that she would even be in a scenario where there were two worlds for her in the first place. She looked at her drink, admiring the strange color. She was a little hesitant to drink something that was bright purple. She shrugged, and took a sip of it. She was surprised when she found that she actually liked the taste. She turned back to look at the pair, and saw them talking. Rey smiled and walked back over to them. “He’s not so bad,” Poe said, looking into Rey’s eyes, slightly raising his eyebrows. Her face grew slightly red, mortified that Poe would say something like that in front of Kylo. Nonetheless, she smiled through the interaction. Eventually, it came time to go to school. She hated being late, so when she looked at the clock, she felt a pit of anxiety open up in her stomach. Thankfully, the group made it to school on time. The walk there wasn’t as painful as she thought it would be. Finn and Kylo cracked jokes while her and Poe gossiped. For a short while, Rey felt normal. Hux’s voice had disappeared for a few minutes, the echoing words, pretty girl, had simply been muted. She felt surrounded by people who genuinely supported her, and wanted the best for her. Even though she was still getting to know Kylo, she now felt herself often thinking of his voice, soothing and soft, instead of Hux’s, which was demanding and full of rage. English was easy, she was able to pay more attention now with Kylo by her side. He had a calming presence, and she felt safe around him. Maybe it was because he was so much bigger than her, and could surely take on any other guy. She convinced herself that that was exactly the reason why. Of course, as per usual, she dreaded the next class. Even having to look at the back of Hux’s head was painful for Rey. She wasn’t sure how she managed to make it this long without letting anything slip. She had to admit, while things were slowly getting better, she knew that they could also go horribly in a short amount of time. She was conflicted. She wanted to tell someone, but at the same time, she didn’t want to run anyone's life.She knew that she should tell someone but she didn’t want Hux going after her. As she sat in the back of the class, watching his movements closely, she felt her heart rate rise when he turned around, made eye contact, and began to walk in her direction. She pulled on each of her fingers, counting as if it would make Hux, who she considered a threat, go away. She wished she could just snap her fingers and make him go away. If only it were that easy. Her eyes widened as he took a seat in the empty desk next to her, scooting it closer to hers until they were pushed up against each other. His knee bumped hers underneath the two desks, and Rey thought she was going to vomit. What did he even want with her? Rey managed to get only three words out, each one shakier than the last. “Please go away,” Rey said, looking down at her fingers which she kept pulling on. The consistency and repetition of the motion calmed her slightly, but not enough to let her forget that a monster was right next to her. Hux chuckled, and pulled out the paper the teacher had passed out. He didn’t say anything, and refused to move, trapping Rey. She wasn’t able to get out of her desk unless he moved. She could feel her ribcage constricting due to her short, fast, shallow breaths. She dug her nails into the palm of her hand, and was unable to control the spiraling of her brain.

_Rey’s hand reached up to feel her head. It was throbbing. She was falling in and out of consciousness. Hux stood over her, like a snake about to attack a mouse. She whimpered, desperately wanting to leave the room. Her limbs felt heavy. She was on her stomach, face shoved into the sheets once again. She had lost all time. She could barely comprehend what was happening, where she was, or even how she allowed herself to get into that situation. She extended her arms, trying to crawl away, only to be pulled back by her hair and slapped. Hux got down until their faces were inches apart. He didn’t do anything except smile. Rey wanted to die. She wished that the house would collapse, and smother her. She didn’t want to be there anymore. She was scared and alone. Why wasn’t anyone looking for her? Did she do this to herself. She was knocked out of consciousness when a heavy blow came into contact with her head, the world fading to black._

Rey sat there. She was frozen. She hated how her memory came to her in bits and pieces. She felt like her mind wasn’t her own. She sat completely still, unable to even attempt to escape. Hux sighed, and put down his pencil. “Why have you been avoiding me?” Rey felt like her entire body was on fire. Did he really just ask her that? Her mind moved too fast for her. The fluorescent light above her began to flicker, and it made her feel nauseous. Hux turned to look at her, and she thought that she might die. “Please go away,” Rey pleaded, on the verge of tears. She was overcome with emotions. She knew she would break at any minute. He stayed put, his eyes staring right through her. It felt like he could read her thoughts. “Why? I’m just sitting here,” Hux retorted, anger bubbling to the surface. Rey tried to scoot her desk away, finally finding the courage to move. Hux reacted by grabbing the silver bar connected to the desk, pulling it closer to him. Fear coursed through Rey’s veins causing her hands to shake violently. She was terrified and completely alone. She felt like how she felt when she was in the bedroom, bass shaking the floors and keeping in perfect time to the throbbing of her head. “Why are you being so difficult? I thought we were friends,” Hux said, the anger clear on his face. Rey wanted out. Not just out of the room, out of her life. It was all becoming too much for her. She could switch out of the class, but if she didn’t finish now, then she wouldn’t get the credit. She regrets mistaking his ill intentions for kindness. She regrets smoking with him, and putting herself in that position in the first place. “We are not friends. You know what you did to me,” Rey said, her voice barely loud enough for Hux to hear. He raised his eyebrows as if to say he didn’t know what she was talking about. “What are you talking about?” Hux responded, feigning innocence. Rey really thought she was going to be sick. She pushed as hard as she could away from Hux, and scrambled to get out. She nearly kicked the classroom door open, elated to be able to escape from Hux’s penetrating gaze. Her sneakers squeaked as she bounded down the hallway. She wasn’t sure where she was going to go. The idea of going home and having to crawl into bed made her want to cry. She was sick of wallowing, but she felt like she was incapable of doing anything else. Seeing a girls bathroom within sight, she makes a beeline for it, nearly collapsing into the first stall. She had felt the tears threatening to spill earlier, but now they were gone. The feeling of unrelenting pain had left, and emptiness had set in. She felt numb. She sat in the stall, searching her mind for what she should do. When she figured out there was no answer is when she decided to come out of the stall. Rey walked over to the sinks, put her hand on either side, and looked into her own eyes. She couldn’t look any longer than five seconds. The sight of herself had begun to make her sick again, and she knew who the culprit was. Hux had ruined her. He had taken something from inside her and broken it, like snapping a twig over his knee. What really got to Rey was that he pretended as if nothing had happened. Rey  decided to stay in the library for the better part of the day. She didn’t want to have to come into contact with anyone she knew. She didn’t have the energy to interact with others, her energy had been drained by her own emotions. If there was ever a time where her body didn’t feel like her own, it was now. She had nearly no control over her life. She thought she had succeeded in hiding from everyone, until Kylo walked through the doors. Of course, their eyes met right away. Rey wished she could melt into the floor and disappear. As much as she enjoyed Kylo’s company, she didn’t want to have to conversate with him. He would surely ask her what’s wrong, and she didn’t want to explain. She put her head down, trying to shut the world out. Her attempts were futile, and she felt a warm hand on her back. Startled by the sudden touch, Rey whipped her head back up and looked at Kylo. His smile immediately faded, and concern replaced it. This is exactly what Rey didn’t want. “Are you okay?” Kylo asked, pulling up a chair to the side of the table Rey was sitting at. His knee bumped hers, and she jumped. The contact had made her nervous. Kylo definitely knew that something was up at this point. After several minutes of silence, Kylo asked again. His voice was softer this time, less demanding. Rey felt the tears brim her eyes, her face getting progressively more hot. It was getting harder and harder to hold in. Kylo took her hand into his, and she lost it. The tears came fast and hard, barely giving her a chance to catch her breath. Kylo led her out of the library, down the hall, and out of the building. She was having a hard time holding herself up. Her legs felt like jello, as if that one knee bump had put her out of commission. She slumped into the nearest bench, and let it out. Kylo embraced her, and she cried into his shoulder, wishing death upon herself. She was in so much pain, and she couldn’t tell anyone. “Rey, please talk to me,” Kylo pleaded, squeezing her small frame. She wanted to talk, but it was as if there was a rock in her throat, preventing any words other than broken sobs from coming out. Eventually, she wore herself out from crying. By the time she was done, her eyelids felt heavy and her throat was dry. She rested her head in Kylo’s neck and felt the warm breeze brush over her. She wanted so badly to believe in something, and yet she couldn’t. She didn’t understand why this had happened to her. She was heartbroken, confused, and let down. Nothing made sense to her anymore, and all she wanted to do was die. She lifted her head and looked into Kylo’s eyes. “Can we leave? Can we go to my house?” Rey asked, hoping he would say yes. She was done caring. Rey couldn’t imagine feeling like this for the rest of her life, and she knew getting high would take her mind off of things. She really enjoyed his company, and him having drugs on him was simply just a bonus. Rey could feel herself slipping into the self destructive habits that she had wanted to break. All hope had been drained out of her body. Kylo nodded, still visibly concerned about Rey. She got up and pulled his hand, holding it this time instead of tugging him by his sleeve. Rey admired Kylo for somehow putting up with her. She was constantly on a rollercoaster of emotions, and it seemed as if he was determined to sit in the front seat with her. She found it strange, how he had taken an interest in her. She was mediocre, basic at least. Rey had found herself to be a lot of things, but interesting was not one of them. Her freckles were ordinary, her hair brown and shoulder length. There was nothing that made her stand out, even when it came to her clothes. She often wore muted or pastel colors. Dark grey clouds clouded Rey’s mind, causing her to think that maybe because she had been wearing bright pink the night of Rose’s party is why it all happened the way it did. She shut her eyes and focused on her feet hitting the pavement. She just needed to get home. She needed to get away from Hux. 

“Rey, wait,” Kylo said, pulling his hand from hers and standing on the sidewalk. Rey turned around, raising her eyebrows in confusion. “Please, just tell me what’s going on. I want to help you, I hate seeing you so upset all the time,” Kylo said, throwing his hands up in the air. “You seem so scared,” Kylo added, his voice getting softer. Rey’s stomach dropped. She knew she wouldn’t be able to keep this up for long. It wasn’t fair to him. She had to tell him something, but she didn’t know what. “Kylo, can we talk about it when we get to my house please?” Rey asked, voice hopeful. She just needed to get home and then she would explain everything. Kylo sighed, obviously upset with Rey’s response. Nonetheless, he followed Rey down the sidewalk. Rey pulled on each of her fingers, trying to relieve some of her stress. She had no idea what she was going to tell Kylo. Her mind was racing. Rey’s hands shook when she finally got to her door. She was barely able to push the key into the lock. Sitting in her living room felt awkward, the absence of adults cutting through the air. Rey thought of her mother and father and wondered what they would think if they knew what had happened. She was okay with the fact that they were often gone for work. Her and her parents didn’t have the best relationship in the first place, so she tried not to bother them. Instead, she climbed the stairs, each step causing her to take in sharp breaths. She was terrified. She opened the door to her bedroom, feeling her cheeks grow hot at the fact that her room was messy. There were clothes everywhere, Clif bar wrappers littered the edge of her bed, and countless empty water bottles on her side table. She sat on her bed and looked out of the window, wondering how much it would hurt if she jumped. Rey felt the bed’s weight shift as Kylo sat down next to her. At least her bed was made. Rey turned to Kylo, staring at his hands. She couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes. She felt as if she had been lying to him. In a sense, she had. “I don’t know what to say,” Rey said softly. She pulled on her fingers harder than before, praying for an escape to come. This was not how she thought her day would go. “I want to tell you, but it’s hard for me. I don’t know why I can’t just say it,” Rey added on. Kylo slipped his hand into hers, a kind but futile gesture in an attempt to get her to stop pulling on her fingers. “I just want to help you,” Kylo said. Deep down, Rey knew that he wouldn’t look at her any different. The real question was, was she afraid to admit it to Kylo, or was she afraid to admit it to herself? She took a deep breath. She couldn’t run from it anymore. “I went to Rose Tico’s party a while back, and Hux had invited me to smoke some weed with him. I ended up doing that, and then I sort of blacked out. Not all the way, but mostly. I only remember some parts of the night,” Rey said, squeezing her eyes shut. Just recalling the details caused her pain. She glanced at Kylo’s face. She wanted to see how he was reacting so far. His expression was blank, but she could tell he was listening. She opened her mouth and began to talk again. “I remember him, um, hitting my head a few times. He also, um, I don’t really know how to say this. He forced himself on me, and made me do other stuff. I guess he didn’t make me, I just kind of went with whatever he was doing,” Rey explained. She turned to Kylo and faced him. “I don’t remember everything,” Rey added. She didn’t want to leave anything out. If she had to tell the truth, she might as well tell all of it. She examined Kylo again, looking for signs of emotion. This time, it was written all over his face. He looked like he might cry, but he also looked angry. The mix of emotions startled Rey, and she slowly scooted more towards the window, trying to get away from him. “Hey, please don’t move away? I’m not angry with you,” Kylo said, his eyebrows furrowed. Rey was trembling at this point. She was scared. She wasn’t scared of Kylo, but she was scared of the fact that he was a man. The anxiety about his gender didn’t just go away because he was a nice man. She was scarred. Hux had taken her ability to trust. She wanted to trust that Kylo wouldn’t hurt her, but it was difficult. “Rey, I am so sorry that happened to you. Am I the first person you’ve told?” Kylo inquired. He was holding both of her hands now, the warmth from his palms transferring to hers. Once Rey realized what she had told him, she felt a mix of relief and dread. What if he told someone else? Was it too late to take it all back? Unable to make the words come out, she nodded. Her vision was blurry with tears. Kylo didn’t respond, but instead wrapped his arms around her. The smell of Kylo surrounded her, and the creak of her childhood bed made tears roll down her cheeks. She had been alone for too long. She embraced him back, her silent tears turning into heart wrenching sobs. It had been weighing on her. There was no doubt that this had been the worst pain she had ever experienced. She had heard stories of other girls having a similar situation play out, but she never imagined it would be this bad. “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. I know that must have been hard,” Kylo said, breaking the silence. Rey wiped her tears with the sleeves of her sweatshirt, smudging mascara along her under eyes. Kylo’s facial expression began to look more and more angry. Her heart began to pound again as anxiety made its way back into her stomach. A million questions swirled around in her head. Was he angry with her? But didn’t he just say he wasn’t angry? Was he the wrong person to tell? Rey was horrified at the thought of Kylo being upset with her, especially since it was so hard for her to tell him. “Are you mad at me?” Rey whimpered, cowering away from Kylo once more. She tried to make herself as small as possible. Her head was throbbing from dehydration and overstimulation. There was too much going on for her to process. She was still in shock that she had told Kylo about what had happened. Kylo’s face instantly transformed, his hands reaching out to bring Rey closer to him. She flinched and nearly fell off of the edge of the bed. “Rey, I am not angry with you, I promise. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just angry with him,” Kylo said, taking Rey’s face into his hands. The throbbing of her head only continued to become more intense, black edging into her line of vision. She reaches her hand up to her head, and thinks of Rose’s party. The bass from downstairs perfectly synchronized with the intense pain she had felt in her head. The knocking of the headboard was forever etched into her memory. She would never be able to knock on a door the same way ever again. Removing her headboard was on her list of things to do. Rey’s eyes rolled into the back of her head, and she fell onto the floor. 

Rey woke up with a bag of frozen peas on her head, and the distinct smell of a candle burning. She blinked a few times, trying to figure out where she was. She swung her legs off of the couch, and realized that she was in her living room. She glanced out the window and it was pitch black. Rey had always hated waking up from naps and finding out that it was dark out. Time was already disorienting enough, so it always messed with her. She winced as she stood up, her head beginning to ache. She was a little confused. She remembered being in her room with Kylo, so why was she down here? She nearly ran to the kitchen, dread beginning to seep into her stomach. She didn’t like that she didn’t remember. She was relieved when she found Kylo in the kitchen, peering into her pantry. There was a pale blue candle lit on the counter, and next to it were Kylo’s phone and keys. “What happened?” Rey demanded. Panic was setting in. Had he done something to her? Kylo turned around and walked towards Rey. “Hey, it's okay. Honestly, I don’t know what happened. I think you just blacked out. We were talking and you had asked me if I was angry with you. Next thing I knew, you were on your floor passed out,” Kylo recalled, reaching out to touch Rey’s arm. She pulled back before he got the chance. Her memory began to fade back in, and she is suddenly filled with regret and embarrassment. “Oh my god,” Rey said softly. She held her hands behind her back as she pulled on her right index finger. She thought she was going to cry. She shouldn’t have told him. The reality was starting to set in. She didn’t know him that well, and he could tell anyone. He could completely ruin her life. “Kylo, please forget anything I told you today,” Rey pleaded. She wanted to claw at her skin. She felt stupid. She had never felt this low. He looked confused, as if she were speaking a different language. “I can’t forget that. You can trust me, I promise. I’m not going to tell anyone,” Kylo assured. He slipped his hand into hers, despite her balling up her fists. Another wave of embarrassment washed over her. He probably thought she was crazy. She didn’t want to have this internal battle anymore. It was starting to get exhausting. “I’m sorry,” Rey said quietly, her voice drenched in sorrow. Her heart was breaking and she couldn’t do anything about it. Everything she did seemed wrong. Kylo pulled his hand from hers and looked her in the eye. “Don’t apologize,” Kylo said forcefully. He grabbed Rey by the shoulders, his grip tight and hard. “You did absolutely nothing wrong. It isn’t your fault.” Tears spilled over the edges of Rey’s eyes. She felt like she was in a fever dream. He loosened his grip on Rey, taking her face into his hands like he had earlier. “You look exhausted. You should get some sleep, okay?” Rey was confused. How could he go from nearly yelling at her to looking out for her health? She nodded, unsure of what else to do. She let out a surprised yelp when Kylo swept her off her feet, carrying her bridal style up the stairs to her bedroom. He picked her up like she weighed nothing. Rey was tired. She knew the bags under her eyes were only getting worse. She crawled under her comforter, not bothering to change. Kylo turned out her light, and as he turned to leave, Rey called out for him. She didn’t want to be alone. She had so much anxiety about going to sleep. She desperately wanted to ask him to stay until she fell asleep, but she almost couldn’t get the words out. “Can you please stay?” Rey squeaked out. Her voice was barely loud enough for him to hear her. He turned around and closed her bedroom door. The click of the door made it official. He was going to stay. Rey sat up and looked around her room. “Where do you want to sit?” Kylo tilted his head like he didn’t understand. “I can just sit on the edge of your bed,” he replied. Rey snuggled back down into her comforter, feeling awkward with Kylo just sitting there. She wasn’t bold enough to ask him to lay with her. They didn’t know each other on that level, but Rey ached for Kylo to be close to her. “You don't have to, uh, sit there. You can come over here, only if you want to, though,” Rey rambled, her nerves getting the best of her. He was silent and it was dark, but she thought she might have seen a smile. He wedged himself between the wall and Rey, keeping a safe distance from her. She could tell he didn’t want to overstep, but she wasn’t sure how to make it clear that she wanted him to overstep. She moved backwards slightly, just enough so that their bodies were touching. Kylo didn’t seem to be one to take hints, so after twenty minutes of waiting, Rey finally just had to ask. “Um.. Can we cuddle?” Rey asked, her face turning scarlett. “Sure.” Kylo’s arm snaked around her waist, and he pulled her closer. She felt a stab of desire in her gut from the amount of force he used to bring her closer. Kylo was big and warm, and Rey thought that they kind of fit together like puzzle pieces. She turned over to look at him. His face was only illuminated by the soft violet glow coming from Rey’s fairy lights. “Is this weird for you? You don’t have to do any of this, obviously,” Rey stammered. The last thing she wanted to do was scare him off. Kylo responded by shaking his head. “No, it isn’t. I actually think that this is kind of nice. I like spending time with you,” he added. After he said that, a comfortable silence fell over them. Rey thought about the events that had transpired over the past two months. It had been about a month since the incident at Rose’s party. She’s known Kylo for about the same time, although it feels like longer sometimes. She never thought that she would end up where she is now. She nuzzled her head into Kylo’s neck, deciding that she didn’t want to think anymore. She just wanted to go to sleep and forget about everything for a while.

“Wake up, sleepyhead,” Kylo said, slowly shaking Rey’s shoulder. It was nine in the morning and the sun was pouring into Rey’s bedroom, tinting everything gold. She groaned out loud, and lifted her arms above her head to stretch. Once she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and the initial grogginess passed, she realized that Kylo was actually standing in front of her bed with a starbucks cup. She blinked a few times before accepting the cup of warm liquid. It was a sweet gesture, but she needed a few questions answered. “Did you go home last night?” Rey asked, taking a sip of her coffee. Vanilla latte. That was new. “No, I stayed. I woke up a little before you so I went and grabbed you coffee. I wasn’t sure what you wanted though,” Kylo said, fidgeting with a ring on his middle finger. She had never noticed the ring before. She would make sure to ask about it later. “No, no. That’s fine. Weren’t your parents worried?” She hoped she wasn’t annoying him with her questions. “Nah. I actually live alone. My parents and I never got along, so I got emancipated at 16. I actually work at that taco truck place I took you to,” he explained. She raised her eyebrow. That was a lot of information for her to process. “Anyways, we don’t need to talk about me. Let’s talk about you,” he said, trying to change the subject. Rey groaned once more, frustrated with the fact that he wanted to focus on her. As if she hadn’t just totally opened up to him the night before. She took another long sip of coffee, hoping to delay the conversation. “What about me?” Rey asked, playing dumb. She held her coffee with both hands and let the warmth seep into her palms, making them tingle. Kylo looked at her, as if to say,  _ Don’t play stupid. You know what I’m talking about.  _ Rey decided not to drive him completely crazy and give it to him straight. “Listen, I told you something huge. It’s hard for me to talk about in the first place, so what makes you think I would want to talk about it first thing in the morning?” Rey asked. It came out harsher than she had meant it to. Guilt and regret immediately washed over her and consumed her. “I’m sorry,” Rey interjected. “I didn’t mean to sound like a bitch. I just don’t really want to talk about it anymore for right now.” Kylo smiled and nodded. She was a little afraid that he would be angry with her for not wanting to talk. Everytime Rey thinks that he is going to react badly, he doesn’t, and she feels guilty all over again for not having faith in him. “I thought maybe we could hang out today,” Kylo asked, changing the subject again. Of course she wanted to hang out with him, but she didn’t want to leave her house. She looked at Kylo. He was wearing different clothes. A feat that Rey had not achieved, still in yesterday’s clothes. She needed to shower the grime and shame of yesterday off. Rey became more and more aware of the dirt on her body and the hands that have roamed her skin. “I would love to hang out, but I would rather do it here. Also, I am really sorry, but I need to shower like right now,” Rey said quickly, all of her words crashing into each other. She jumped out of bed and ran towards the bathroom. She felt dirty. She could still remember the bumping of knees and the bass and her head. It was too much. Rey practically ripped off her clothes trying to get into the shower. Once she had scrubbed for an hour, she finally felt content. She got out of the shower and wrapped herself in a giant, white, fluffy towel. Her skin was red from being scrubbed raw, little bubbles of blood rising up in little constellations. She was worried that Kylo wouldn’t even be out there once she finished getting dressed. She was relieved to find him sitting on the edge of her bed, scrolling through his phone. She wasn’t sure why he was sticking around, but she was glad that he was. Kylo looked up from his phone at Rey, and she could have sworn she saw him blush at the sight of her. “We can stay here if you’d like,” Kylo said, continuing their conversation from before. She was wearing grey sweatpants that were a little big on her along with a black shirt. She almost reached for Kylo’s sweatshirt, but she figured she might need to wash it. She also wasn’t ready for Kylo to know how much she actually wore it. She looked at him and the realization that they had spent the night together set in. He made her feel safe, and that was all Rey tried to justify it as. She wondered if it would ever go further for the two of them. Her head was spinning. She wasn’t acting like herself. “Do you want to go downstairs? It’s kind of messy in here. I didn’t exactly think all of this was going to happen,” Rey said, only half apologizing because she figured he wouldn’t care. Kylo shrugged in response, and stood up to follow Rey down the stairs. Her house was fairly big, but it was dusty. No one was ever really around to fill the space. She looks at the wall as they descend, and imagines how it would look if it had any family pictures. Rey’s parents were mostly absent since she was born. Rey doesn’t remember much other than being with her grandpa. Even at that, the details were fuzzy. After her grandpa died, she went back with her parents. She was about 12, so she had already grown up in their eyes. Her parents traveled often, so often that she would go months without seeing them. At least they kept the light bill paid and sent money for food. She snapped her head up back to look in front of her, making sure she didn’t miss any steps. She almost never thought of her family. She wasn’t sure if she even had one. She didn’t forget about Kylo who was trailing close behind her. His presence was strong, almost vibrating the air around him. She flopped down on her couch, not sure what to do. He took the seat beside her, and scooted closer so that their thighs were touching. Her hair was damp, the smell of her coconut shampoo still fresh. Being on the couch felt foreign. There was a tv on the wall in front of her and an array of remotes. She grabbed one and hoped it would be the right one. Relief washed over her when it was, and she turned to look at Kylo. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry for bringing you into this mess. It’s so ridiculous, I probably shouldn’t even be upset about it,” Rey rambled, pulling on her pinky. The whole point of turning on the television was to fill the silence, but to Rey, it didn’t feel like it was enough. “You pull on your fingers when you get nervous. Has anyone ever told you that?” Kylo questioned, prying her hands from each other. Rey furrowed her brow, frustrated with the subject change. “Yes, I know I do,” Rey said, wanting to move on. She hated when people pointed it out. “Hey, I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad, I was just curious. I think it’s cute,” he said. She rolled her eyes. “Why don’t we go out? We can go to the park,” Kylo suggested, standing up and pulling Rey by her arms. She wasn’t dressed for it, but decided to go anyways. After slipping on her sandals, they were off. It was slightly warmer today, but just cold enough for Rey to wish she would have grabbed a sweater. She was hyper aware of Kylo’s hand in hers. Her heart was pounding. She felt like she was starting to fall for him, but didn’t want to. She didn’t want to be vulnerable around him, but she couldn’t help it.  “Let me push you,” Kylo said, a grin appearing on his face, as he pointed to the swingsets. Her initial reaction was to say no, but instead she decided, why not? She sat down on the swing and wrapped her hands around the cold chains, reminding her faintly of her childhood. She had been thinking about when she was a child a lot lately. She wasn’t sure why, but she wasn’t a fan of it. When Kylo’s hands made contact with Rey’s back, it sent chills down her spine. She loved being close to him. He was warm and big, just overall comforting to her. He pushed her softly, afraid to cross any boundaries. He was soft, softer than anyone she had ever met. Even Poe had some edge to him. Kylo didn't have sharp corners, he was all soft, rounded edges. “Rey, I think maybe you should talk to someone. Like a professional. I’m not trying to pressure you into talking to anyone right now, but maybe sometime in the future,” Kylo said, pushing Rey at a steady pace. Rey shut her eyes, emotion clouding her mind. Why did he have to say that? Did he think she didn’t already know that? Every day was a fucking battle, and he had no idea. Anger bubbled up inside of Rey and she got off of the swing. “Don’t you think I know that?” Rey snapped, her shoulders tense. Kylo froze, his hand still extended from pushing Rey. Silence fell over them, and the only sound to be heard was trees rustling in the wind. “I’m sorry,” Kylo apologized, regret flashing over his face. The entire scene made her sick. She wanted to kick the swingset down and burn it. She hated seeing Kylo apologizing for something she was taking way too seriously and in the completely wrong way. “I shouldn’t have told you anything. You can just forget it,” Rey snapped again, almost baring her teeth at him. She was so angry and she couldn’t even figure out why. Nothing in her life had ever gone her way. School was the one thing she had going for her, and now she could barely function in a classroom, all desks forever tainted with the feeling of being trapped. Rey wanted to die. She turned away from Kylo and began to walk home. She didn’t bother looking behind her. She had been so rude, she didn’t expect him to follow her. And he didn’t. She didn’t know what to do. Her bones ached. She was tired. She can’t remember a point in her life when she wasn’t tired. She felt as if her body was being crushed beneath a giant boulder. She wished there was some sort of sleep that could fix the exhaustion she felt during every minute of every day. She whipped her front door open and went up to her bedroom and took a long look at herself in the mirror. She wanted to rip her skin off. The empty house grew lonelier and lonelier by the day. She crawled into her bed and got completely under her covers. She wondered how long she would have to stay under there until the world finally forgot about her. The more she thought about everything, the angrier she got. She scratched at her arms until strips of blood bubbled to the surface. Her skin felt warm after the intense scratching session, but that was what she liked about it. She was always so cold. Rey cried for hours. She knew she shouldn’t have snapped at Kylo. He was only looking out for her. She worried that she may have ruined their friendship and any potential of it becoming something more. As she laid in her bed and twilight began to roll in, Rey finally drifted off to sleep. 

She stayed home the next day, deciding to catch up on laundry. She cleaned her room a little, and managed to contain the swarm of plastic water bottles that surrounded her bed. Her bedroom was virtually unchanged from when she first arrived at the house. Her twin sized bed, pink paint, and hello kitty lamp was evident of this. She was sure that her parents had simply hired someone to decorate the room when they had found out she was going to live with them. Her favorite color was purple, not pink. She wished she could redo the entire room. She would paint it lavender, and get a bigger bed. She would make it her own. She’s never felt comfortable in her house. At her grandpa’s, however, that was a different story. Rey remembers loving the house. There was a big yard with a plastic swing set in the front. She had spent most of her early childhood years with him. She doesn’t remember much, but she remembers being happy, at least for a little while. Sunday was a blur of lavender scented fabric softener and thoughts of Kylo. She dreaded Monday. Mostly what she dreaded was seeing Kylo and Hux. She didn’t exactly dress to impress, rolling out of bed only to shower, brush her teeth and hair, and change into a different pair of sweatpants. She met Poe at Starbucks, but she mainly just watched him and Finn flirt. She ordered something different, only to appease Poe. She didn’t know what the hell a Cloud Macchiato was, but she didn’t totally hate it. The walk to school was worse than waiting for school. She went straight to Ms. Organa’s room and put her head down. Maybe if she made it clear that she wanted to be left alone, Kylo would take the hint. She left the air shift beside her as Kylo slid into his desk. The silence between them was uncomfortable. He didn’t bother Rey, and this bothered her. She knew she didn’t deserve to feel sad about him not talking to her, but she couldn’t help it. When the bell rang and Kylo left without a word, Rey felt empty. He was the one person she had opened up to. She couldn’t believe she had already messed that up for herself. She thought she might throw up on the way to her next class. Memories of Friday stuck in her brain like a wadded up piece of chewed up gum. Hux had deliberately trapped her in her desk. She didn’t know if he was going to leave her alone, or if he was going to take the taunting a step further. She wanted so badly to run away from the doorway, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to run forever. Her grades were merely average at this point. Mostly C’s with a few B’s. This wasn’t who she was. She wasn’t a C and B student. She had to go to class. She didn’t have a choice. Rey made her way to the back of the class, the conversations of other people overwhelming her. To her surprise, Hux didn’t show up to class. She was thankful, of course, but curious. She actually managed to get some work done. She felt accomplished for the first time in a long time. She wanted to chase that feeling. About halfway through the class, she went to the bathroom. She needed a break from the noisy environment of the classroom. She ran her hands along the rows of lockers, feeling each ridge and handle individually. Rey pushed the door open to the bathroom and went over to the mirrors. She looked at herself in the mirror and inspected her facial features. She didn’t really like the way she looked, but she would admit that she had really pretty eyes. Her eyes traveled from her freckles to her nose, and then to behind her, to reveal Hux standing right behind her. The shock wasn’t able to set in before he seized her by the back of the neck and slammed her into the wall. Rey’s head knocked into the wall, causing her to wince. She didn’t know what was happening. All she knew was that she was in pain, and she thought she might black out. Her face was pressed up against the baby pink tile that adorned the bathroom walls. They were arranged in tiny squares, and Rey wondered to herself for a split second how many there could possibly be. The grip on the back of her neck tightened. Rey couldn’t deny that she was frightened. “You know, I gave it some thought,” Hux said, his voice reverberated by the emptiness of the bathroom. “It doesn’t do any good to act like I don’t know what you’re talking about. I know you won’t tell anyone. If you did, though, I’d kill you.” Rey squeezed her eyes shut and tried to make the world go away. No amount of escapism could allow her to escape this. She weighed her options in her head on a scale, no clear right answer. She could run and tell someone, but he just said he would kill her. Rey doesn’t know what he’s capable of, and has been wrong in the past. She doesn’t respond. The silence would have killed her if Hux hadn’t done that the second he slid into her. She just waits for him to let go of her and leave, but she looks over at the entrance to the bathroom and realizes that he’s locked it. How long was he planning on keeping her? All she wanted was a break from the noise, but her thoughts seemed to be louder than the class was. He keeps his hand on her neck as the other one travels to her waist. Rey prays that someone knocks on the door and scares him away. She prays for a plane to crash into their school, she prays for anything that would make this stop. She knew what he was going to do. No drug induced haze could distract her from the cold, hard truth. The sound of jeans unzipping and the waistband of her sweatpants snapping under her knees told her everything she needed to know. She couldn’t scream or cry. Even if she was able to, she wasn’t sure that she would. All emotion drained from her body, and the void consumed her. It had happened again. Pain seared through her body as Hux forced himself inside of her, grip so hard that she thought he might snap her neck. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. Unable to concentrate on anything else due to the pain, she waits. The waiting game was a game she played often. When Hux finished, Rey stood there, upper half pressed against the wall, lower half sticking out. She was slanted, standing on her toes. The urge to pull her fingers was stronger than ever before, but she decided to wait for Hux to leave. He said nothing as he slipped out of her, pulled his jeans back and left. Rey pulled her sweatpants up as soon as she heard the click of the door. She decided to use the bathroom before she left. Her body was sore, and it burned when she peed. It felt all too familiar. She didn’t think this kind of thing happened twice. She wondered if she did something to attract Hux. She was willing to change nearly any aspect of herself to make him leave her alone. She washed her hands and avoided her reflection. She didn’t need to see herself to know that she looked like shit. She walked out of the bathroom and walked out of the back entrance of the school. She didn’t know when she was going to come back. The walk home was lonely. She had gotten used to having Kylo by her side. She wished he was here. She studied all the flowers she saw along the way, and wondered what kind of flower she would be. Her mind was trying so hard to protect her, but it wasn’t working. Thinking about flowers and baby pink tile wasn’t going to fix the irreversible damage that Hux had done to her. She knew this. Rey knew she wouldn’t have many fond memories of her childhood to look back on, considering she could barely remember it, but no teenage years? No glory days to reminisce about when she had kids? She laughed at herself when thinking about this. She didn’t think she would be alive long enough to have kids at this point. She let herself into her house, greeted by more silence. Despite the sunlight shining through all the windows, everything looked dark to her. She rubbed the back of her head and neck, the pain finally setting in. Her first instinct was to go to the freezer and get a bag of frozen vegetables, but she had a better idea. She ran up to her bedroom and jumped on her bed. She opened her phone to text Rose, bad ideas swirling throughout her head. 

**Rey: Rose, can I get the name of your dealer?**

**Rose: Sure, here I can send you a picture of his number.**

Rey’s face was straight as Rose replied. She hadn’t talked to her since she was asking about the party. She had quite a bit of cash, since her parents frequently sent some over. She texted the number Rose had sent her and waited for a reply. She didn’t know who she was talking to, but she figured whoever it was was trustworthy enough. She trusted Rose for the most part. Once they agreed on a meeting place, Rey jumped in her car and left. Her hands gripped the steering wheel and she stared straight ahead. She didn’t play any music. She couldn’t imagine singing along to anything. Everything she once enjoyed had no interest to her. She pulled into a Taco Bell parking lot, and texted the number. She knew she should be anxious about meeting someone she didn’t know, but she wasn’t. She didn’t feel anything. She left her car doors unlocked, unfazed by the idea of a stranger jumping into her car and possibly murdering her. When she heard the pull of her passenger side door, she looked to the side. She actually recognized who it was. It was Cody, who she had Gym with a few years back. She remembers him graduating a year ago. He was a nice kid, but definitely not someone Rey would peg to sell drugs. Rey ended up paying nearly 200 dollars for a battery and 5 cartridges of golden oil. No small talk was exchanged, just business. Rey shoves everything in her glove box and drove home. Once she got inside, she plugged the battery in so it could charge. She ended up showering for almost two hours. She sat on her shower floor and thought about the feeling of Hux inside of her. She wanted to cry and be able to be upset about it, but she couldn’t. Rey was convinced he had broken something inside of her. As she stepped out of the shower, she caught a glimpse of the sweatpants she had pulled off. She would never be able to wear them again. She grabbed them and shoved them down to the bottom of her laundry basket, not wanting to look at them. She wanted to pretend like they never existed. She wanted to pretend like she never existed. She had never felt pain like this before. A smile appeared on Rey’s face when she saw that the battery had charged. She wanted not to feel, and this seemed like the answers to all her problems. She screwed in the vile of oil, and pressed down on the button. Smoke filled her lungs, the familiar feeling burning her lungs. She exhaled, and felt lightheaded. She put it down and walked over to her window, looking at the grey sky. She heard the doorbell ring, and a rush of anxiety went through her. She walked down to her front door, peering out of the window before opening the door. It was Kylo. She opened the door just a crack, not wanting to be face to face. She knew she had messed things up. “Rey? I didn’t see you after second period. I was looking for you,” Kylo said, keeping a safe distance from the door. “So you left school to come find me?” She inquired, fighting the urge to just open the door and let him in. “I had a bad feeling,” he added on. Rey felt horrible. Even after she had said all those things to him, he came to check on her. She opened the door wide enough so that he could come in. If he tried to talk to her about her feelings, she would just shut it down. “Okay. Thank you for checking on me,” Rey said, only half meaning it. The high was starting to kick in. “We can go up to my room if you want to stay,” Rey said, waiting for Kylo to come in. He stepped inside and followed her up the stairs. She wasn’t going to tell him about what happened. There was no point. She wasn’t willing to risk Hux murdering her. She wasn’t sure if he was serious when the words came out of his mouth, but his forcefulness was enough to convince her. She could still feel his hands all over her. She flinched involuntarily, but tried her best to ignore it. She sat on her bed and invited Kylo to come sit next to her. “I’m sorry about what I said on Saturday,” Rey said. She pulled on her fingers and looked at Kylo. “it’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it. I was just giving you space,” he replied, genuine regret flashing across his face. She smiled only for a second, and glanced out the window again. Even in the haze, she couldn’t shake the feeling of his hands. The sound of zippers and waistbands snapping echoing in her mind. She felt helpless. The slightest bit of comfort came to Rey having Kylo beside her. She wanted to tell him, but she wouldn’t. She shut her eyes and thought of Hux grabbing her by the back of the neck and slamming her into the wall. She didn’t want to think about it but it was all she could think about. He was violent. He was scary. Rey felt like she was backed into a corner. It was bad enough that it happened the first time, but for it to happen a second time? By the same person? For Rey, that was humiliating.She wanted to die. Kylo shook her shoulder and asked her if she was okay. She opened her eyes and smiled. 

“Yeah, I’m okay.”


	9. Golden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a fair amount of drug use and mentions of rape, so please proceed with caution!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
> It's been a while since I've last updated, but I haven't given up on this story! I'm just doing a lot of online school and trying to finish my school year strong. I hope everyone enjoys this update, and I'm sorry it isn't as long as it would have normally been!

When Kylo went home, Rey was officially left alone with her own thoughts. She was planning on staying home for as long as possible, but an email from her guidance counselor telling her she didn’t have enough hours in class made her change her mind. She was going to have to get up in the morning, and act like nothing happened. She would have to go into class and see his face. The thought of going back made her want to jump out of her window. Would he do it again? Rey convinced herself that he wouldn't. She convinced herself that he had had his fill of her, and would leave her alone. She needed to convince herself, otherwise she wasn’t sure what she would do. Kylo didn’t stay long. Rey feigned a stomach ache, despite actually feeling nauseous. He was understanding, as always, and left. Rey didn’t walk him out, unsure of if she was able to move her legs. She felt completely numb and drained of energy. She didn’t sleep well at all that night. She had expected that, but what she hadn’t expected was for her to feel Hux’s hands on her still, her neck throbbing from the amount of force he had put on it. Running on three hours of sleep, Rey dragged herself to the shower and washed her hair. The feeling of being clean had never felt so far away. When she got out of the shower, she spent some time thinking about what she should wear. She promised herself she would never wear another pair of sweatpants again. She needed something with a belt, something that didn’t come undone easily. She settled on a pair of jeans, a black belt that had been sitting in her closet for God knows how long, and an over sized sweatshirt. How unappealing could she make herself look without being disgusting? She wanted to look nice for Kylo, but she didn’t want to give Hux an invitation to violate her again. She had heard time and time again that it is never because of what someone is wearing, but she wasn’t so sure anymore. Were grey sweatpants too sexy? She debated on grabbing her new device, and ultimately decided to stick it in a small pouch in her bag. She knew she could get expelled, but at this point, she wasn’t worried about it. She took two small hits before leaving her house. Her legs felt like jelly, her brain taking over for her and bringing her to her destination. She stuck her earbuds and walked through the doors, skipping Starbucks. She didn’t care if anyone was waiting for her. She couldn’t go in there and pretend like nothing was wrong. Instead, she walked straight to the girls bathroom on the second floor, intentionally avoiding the first floor bathroom. She locked herself into a stall, ensuring that no one else was in there. It was early, almost no one was at school yet. She took the pen out of her backpack and took three long hits, holding the smoke in for as long as she could. By the time she was done, her limbs felt heavy. She walked out of the stall and looked at herself in the mirror. She looked like a mess. Walking to english was difficult. Her bones felt like they were made out of jello, and she was having a hard time walking straight. She somehow managed to make it there without busting her head open. A small achievement. She slid into her seat, music streaming through her earbuds. The world felt like it was moving in slow motion. Kylo passed through the doorway, wearing the same kind of thing he normally did. A long sleeved black shirt and some black jeans. Rey wondered what he would look like in lavender. She would love to dress him up and maybe put some glitter on his face. She really did think he was gorgeous. He made eye contact with Rey and sat down. “Are you stoned?” Kylo asked. Rey giggled in response, not sure how else to get her point across. She had never been high at school before. It was new and foreign. She didn’t hate it, though. It was making things easier. It was so much easier to exist this way. Now she understood why people came to school loaded all the time. She was never going to go back. Kylo’s face was expressionless, and he handed Rey a tiny bottle of eyedrops. “You really need these,” he said as she picked it up and took the top off. She held the bottle over her eyes and inserted the drops, wincing once they made contact with her eye. It burned at first, but then it was fine. “Thanks angel,” Rey responded, unable to stop the words from spilling out of her mouth. Her eyes were only open half way, but she couldn’t get over how beautiful he looked. She scooted her desk right up against his, panic only flowing through her for a moment. He wasn’t going to hurt her. 

“I think you’re so pretty, Kylo,” Rey said, propping her head up onto her hand. She looked at Kylo like he was the sun, the moon, and everything else. She watched him as his pale face turned red. She had never seen Kylo blush before. “I- uh, thank you,” Kylo responded, tripping over his words. “I think you’re very pretty as well.” Rey’s eyes widened and she could feel her face getting hot. He had just called her pretty. She looked forward at the front of the classroom. The bell rang out and Ms. Organa started to teach. Rey couldn’t focus on anything she was saying. It didn’t really matter to her. She was distracted by how close her and Kylo were. Her eyes felt so heavy, and she was starting to think it was a mistake to get so high so early in the morning. She leaned her head onto Kylo’s shoulders and drifted off to sleep. By the time she woke up, it was time to go to her next class. She rubbed her eyes and noticed Kylo standing in front of her with his backpack on. He held onto the straps, tugging them slightly as he looked at her. Her head was throbbing. “Is it time to go?” She asked, rubbing her eyes again. She didn’t want to go to her next class. She couldn’t skip it. There was no winning for her. “Yeah, you feeling okay?” Kylo asked, extending his hand to help her out of her desk. She reached out and grabbed it, his grip strong. The florescent lights were making her head hurt, and she just wanted to go to bed. She knew what would fix it, but she didn’t know if she would even be able to hit her pen. Was she willing to risk Hux following her to the bathroom again? How far would she take her self destruction? She was pulled to her feet. She reached down to grab her backpack and cracked her back in the process. Sometimes she felt like her body was aging faster than she was. “I’m sorry I fell asleep on you,” Rey said, remembering that she had leaned on Kylo’s shoulder when class began. She didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. “Hey, don’t worry about it. It isn’t a big deal. It didn’t bother me anyways,” Kylo responded. He walked next to her to her next class, and Rey realized that this is something that couples do. They walk each other to class right? But Kylo and Rey weren’t a couple. She was starting to wish they were, though. They walked for the most part in silence. Kylo didn’t ask questions and Rey was thankful. She could tell he wanted to. She could tell he was worried. Once they reached her class, Rey started to feel anxious. Her hands shook and she quickly waved to Kylo and walked into her class. She didn’t want to have anyone sit next to her, but she also didn’t want Hux to have the opportunity to sit next to her. She decided to sit in a desk in the back left corner. She had a few people in front of her, but no one next to her. She thought the people in front of her might scare Hux away. She put her head down as soon as her teacher passed their assignment out, just waiting for the moment that Hux would walk through the door. She didn’t even have to look up to know he was in the room. She immediately felt nauseous. She fought the urge to double over and vomit onto the linoleum floor. She could hear people talking to him. She wondered if anyone would talk to him if they knew how much of a monster he was. That is what he was, after all. He was a monster. She focused on her breathing. She was trying to slow it down as much as possible. She felt like everything was moving too fast. As much as she wanted to believe she could control things, she knew she really couldn’t control anything. Hux took up too much space in the room and Rey felt like she was suffocating. His presence overwhelmed her, and she tried her best to be invisible. When she heard footsteps approaching, she knew she should prepare for what comes next.

“Hey pretty girl, can I sit next to you?” Hux asked, already sliding a desk next to her. Why would he bother to wait for her consent? It wasn’t like he had done that in the past. She silently prayed to someone, anyone.  _ Please, please, please, just make him go away. Please go away please go away.  _ She swayed slightly as the desk rammed into hers. Her legs began to bounce up and down in an effort to curb her anxiety. She didn’t know it was possible to feel this bad. He sat down in the desk and looked down at Rey’s legs. She peaked at him through her arms, straining her own eyes to look up at him. He had a smile on his face and she couldn’t figure it out. She lifted her head and looked forward. She was trying her best to ignore him, but it was impossible. His hand was already on her thigh, forcing her right leg to be still. He leaned over closer to her, right next to her ear. “I couldn’t stop thinking about how we fucked yesterday,” he said, a mocking tone in his voice. “I could tell you loved it.” Rey was mortified. Hearing him say these things made her want to cut her skin off. Is that what he thought had happened? He thought they had fucked? Rey couldn’t even begin to process what was wrong with Hux. What had happened to him to make him think that? Rey pushed her desk as far away from him as it could go. She didn’t want to be a victim anymore, but it felt like that was all she was. Her thigh felt like it was burning. She couldn’t figure out exactly what emotion she was feeling. She eventually came to the conclusion that she felt nothing at all. An offended look crossed Hux’s face, and Rey almost felt bad. He didn’t let any of this stop him. He just pushed his desk closer and acted like nothing happened. His hand made his way back onto her leg and she thought she might die. She was trapped between him and the wall. The people in front of her paid no mind to what was going on. Rey didn’t even think they noticed. They didn’t. She wanted to melt away. She slipped underneath her desk and stood in front of Hux, looking into his eyes for only a second. She searched for some sign of a soul living there and didn’t find anything. There was nothing. She grabbed her backpack and walked out of the class. She couldn’t do it. There was no way she could do this. Her attendance in her history class was accounted for, so she made her way to the girls bathroom to wait it out. She stopped at the doorway to take a deep breath before pushing the door open. She couldn’t avoid the bathroom forever. She walked in and her eyes darted to the wallpaper. She wanted to rip it off of the walls and never see it again. She forced herself to go into a stall before she started freaking out. She just wanted to forgot about it. She couldn’t bring herself to lock the bathroom door so she counted on her listening skills to watch out for anyone coming in. She reached into her bag and pulled out the long skinny cylinder. Was this the only way out for her? She mentally shrugged, not having enough motivation to move her body more than she had to. She turned the pen on and took a long drag, everything around her fading slowly away. Her throat burned. It only made her hit it again for longer. She turned it off and shoved it back into her bag. That was much better. Rey went to unlock the bathroom stall but stopped herself. She was too afraid to leave. She didn’t want to be snuck up on again. If Hux had come onto her like that in class, what was to say he wouldn’t go into the bathroom again and repeat what he had already done twice? They say that the third time is the charm. She nearly kicked the stall door down. She figured leaving the bathroom all together was a better idea. Leaving the bathroom felt like a release. It was good, but not as good as the drugs were. As soon as she left the bathroom, it all hit her at once. She felt like she was flying. She dragged her feet along the floor and walked aimlessly. She couldn’t gp back in there. There was no way. She hated Hux and she hated how he felt like he could touch her whenever he wanted. The whole thing made her sick. She looked straight ahead as she walked down the empty hallway. To her surprise, Kylo walked out of a classroom and bumped right into her. 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Rey stammered, immediately apologizing. She was happy to see his face. The whole day had been a mess, and he seemed to make it all better. “Do you feel okay? Shouldn’t you be in class right now?” He inquired, his eyes going straight to her shakey hands and withdrawn stance. She knew he could tell something was up. She opened her mouth to respond when she heard footsteps behind her. Her first reaction was to freeze. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t handle people being behind her. Hux’s voice rang out in the hallway, echoing slightly. “Hey Kylo,” he said as he passed by, looking at Rey from the corner of his eye. He didn’t stop to make further conversation and Rey was thankful for that. She would have rathered he didn’t walk past at all, but she knew that she couldn’t have what she wanted. What she wanted was for him to be gone. Rey stared straight ahead, trying her best to disconnect from her emotions. She was on the verge of tears. She was terrified. She didn’t know how she was supposed to function. Kylo stepped closer to Rey and reached his hand out, waiting for a sign of consent before he touched her. “Rey, you’re shaking. Are you okay?” Rey didn’t respond. She stood as still and stiff as she possibly could, preparing for Kylo to lay a hand on her. She knew he would never do that, but she couldn’t help but be afraid. She couldn’t remember what it was like to not be afraid. She squeezed her eyes shut and slowly slid down to her knees. It was simply too much. She began to cry and hit the back of her head into the lockers, each jolt of pain reminding her of baby pink wallpaper and the snapping of elastic. Kylo shoved his hand between Rey’s head and the lockers to prevent her from doing anymore damage. “Rey, please talk to me,” Kylo begged. Rey didn’t know what to say. The words were always stuck in her throat. She grabbed for Kylo and buried her head into his neck and tried to breathe. She was so scared and she was tired of it. She could barely take care of herself. She just wanted to let go and not have to do anything. Everything was too hard. Hux walked back down the hallway and gave Rey a sick smile. She couldn’t take it. She jumped up to her feet like lightning and lunged at Hux, fully expecting to get hurt. She immediately went for his neck, trying to claw whatever she could. She wished Kylo wouldn’t have been there. He pulled her off almost as soon as she reached Hux. Hux stood back, stunned. He didn’t think she would do something like that. Rey was hysterically crying at this point, and people had poked their heads out of classroom to see what was causing all of the noise. She felt like she wasn’t in control of her body. All the frustration had bubbled up to the top and she didn’t know what to do about it. Kylo had grabbed her by the waist and spun her around to face him. She beat on his chest for what felt like hours. The tears were rolling down her face, hot and sticky. She was squeezing her eyes shut when she felt herself being lifted up off of the ground. By the time she opened her eyes again, she was outside on a bench in the school’s courtyard. She was sitting on Kylo’s lap with her fist balled up into his shirt. She was exhausted. She didn’t know how Hux had reacted other than standing there. She wondered if she would get suspended, and then laughed at how trivial it was to worry about something like that now. She would kill to be able to have things like that be her biggest problems. 

“Do you want to tell me what that was about?” Kylo asked, his voice soft. He was petting her head and running his fingers through her hair. The breeze outside was light, just barely brushing over Rey’s skin. She caught the faint smell of honeysuckle, and wondered how long it would take for her to get over this. To go back to normal. Was recovery a pipedream? Was justice really that far out of reach? If Rey was numb before, then this was a new all time low. The words used to be rocks in her throat, but now there was no barricade. “He raped me.” It was out in the open. There was no taking it back. She had said it out loud and now she couldn’t do anything about it. Saying it out loud made it different. It made it more real. Rey wanted nothing about this situation to be real. Kylo didn’t respond immediately, and Rey was worried that he was angry with her. She had always thought that maybe if she had watched herself more closely, then maybe none of it would have happened in the first place. She tried to make herself as small as possible, feeling the familiar stab of anxiety in her stomach. Did he think she was gross? Would this completely end whatever they had? Kylo had gotten to know her body language, and put his arm over Rey’s legs, preventing her from hiding herself. Kylo was confused though, seeing as Rey had already told him about this. What he didn’t realize is that she was trying to say it had happened again. He helped her stand up and watched her stand still, looking off into the distance. She was in a haze. She looked down at her shoes on the concrete, and snapped herself out of it. Her brain turned off and took her home, letting her muscle memory take over. She went against everything she said she wasn’t going to do, which was leave school. She didn’t know how she had made herself vulnerable enough to have that happen to her. She sat down on the couch and watched the dust settle. Kylo sat down next to her, closer than he normally would have. “You had already told me that, remember?” Kylo said, lightly touching Rey’s thighs with his finger tips. He was testing the waters. Rey almost couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. His words echoed around her. She didn’t even want to explain. Rey lifted her hands and ran them all over her body, searching for a hidden wire. She was paranoid. Hux said he would kill her if she ever told anyone. How would he know? Would he ever be that deranged? She wanted to tell Kylo it had happened again, but what was the point? She had never been afraid of anyone until Hux had decided that he would pick her to torture. Before that, she had never really been paid attention to. She didn’t know what to make of any of it. Rey turned to Kylo. “Yeah, I know. I guess I just got really upset about it in the moment. It had just been on my mind,” Rey replied. It pained her to say those things, but what else was there to say? She had no one. If she decided to report Hux to the police, she would need a legal team. She didn’t even have parents. There were no options for her. Kylo slipped his hand into hers and squeezed it. She wasn’t sure if he would ever understand. She wasn’t sure if anyone would ever understand. She let herself get distracted by Kylo’s touch, wanting to forget about how she felt like she was falling into a deep hole. She couldn’t tell if this really was her fault. Rey climbed into Kylo’s lap, resting her head on his shoulder. They fit together perfectly, almost like a puzzle piece. He wrapped his arms around her and let her get comfortable. She felt okay in his arms, but not like herself. Rey was hoping if she had thrown herself into Kylo, maybe the pain would go away. She was realizing that she was wrong, but that didn’t mean that Kylo didn’t help her. He helped her just by being there. Rey lifted her head from his shoulder and faced him. She really did think he was pretty. She figured she didn’t have anything to lose at this point. Nearly everything had already been taken from her. She leaned in and placed her lips onto his. Kylo kissed her back as soon as she kissed him, confirming what Rey already knew. She knew she wasn’t crazy. They did have a connection after all. Rey pulled away and gave Kylo a small smile. “What was that for?” Kylo asked, a smile appearing on his face. Rey loved it when he smiled. He didn’t do it enough. She just shrugged. She felt like he already knew why she did it. She didn’t need to explain to him. She rested her head back on his shoulder and closed her eyes. She was tired. Everything she did exhausted her. No matter how much she slept, she was still tired. Kylo’s arms around her made her feel warm and safe, so she drifted off to sleep. When she woke up, she was in her bed. Confused at first, she looked to her window to try to see what time of day it was. She was surprised when she saw that it was dark out. Her phone was on her side table despite her having no memory of putting it there. She tapped the screen and saw that it was 11 PM. 11 PM! Rey couldn’t believe herself. She had slept that long? That didn’t seem healthy to her. While cursing herself, she suddenly became aware of the arm around her waist. Kylo was snuggled behind her, fast asleep. She nudged him slightly, not wanting to wake him up too aggressively. Kylo’s eyes fluttered open and he extended his legs a little, stretching. His arm didn’t move away from Rey’s waist. In fact, he pulled her closer. “Did I fall asleep?” Rey asked, propping her head up on her hand. Her heart was racing. She always got a little nervous when her and Kylo were close to each other. He brushed his hair out of his face and gave her a smile. “Yeah, but it’s okay. You seemed really tired, so I let you sleep,” He explained. “I hope you didn’t mind me being in your bed with you. I’m now realizing I probably should have asked before I did that,” Kylo added, scratching behind his neck. The fact that he stayed at all meant everything to Rey.

“No! No, it’s fine. I still feel bad for falling asleep on you,” Rey replied, laying back down. She thought she would be a little more alarmed at the fact that he was in her bed, but she wasn’t. She trusted him. She faced Kylo and wondered if she should mention the kiss they shared before. She had brushed him off when he asked what it meant, but now she was even wondering. She definitely still wasn’t ready to date, but there was no doubt in her mind that she cared about Kylo. She reached her hand out and placed it on the side of his face and rubbed her thumb against his cheek. She wanted to kiss him again. She decided to bring up the kiss. She figured she might as well get it over with. “About earlier, the kiss I mean. I like you a lot, Kylo,” Rey explained. Kylo just smiled at her and rolled his eyes. “Obviously. I like you too,” he replied, his hand finding his way into Rey’s. Rey knew she wasn’t ready to date, but she didn’t want to stop whatever it was that they were doing. She trusted Kylo, but she had some shit she needed to work out before she thought about getting into a relationship with anyone. Rey decided not to bring it up right away. She didn’t want to ruin this moment. She wished she felt like this all the time. Everything felt so unnecessarily hard, like it was being tailor made just for her. She closed her eyes and let herself enjoy Kylo’s presence. She realized that she couldn’t live like this forever. She just couldn’t. 


	10. You too?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow.. it has been a while since I updated. Honestly, just like Rey, I am going through it. I avoided updating this because of my own feelings but it feels good to be writing again, even if i am not that great lol. As per usual, there is a trigger warning for the topic of sexual assault and rape. I hope you guys enjoy this new chapter.

When Rey woke up, she had a pounding headache. Kylo wasn’t beside her anymore, and instead standing in front of her, lightly shaking her shoulder. “Hey, it’s time to wake up. We still have school,” Kylo said softly, still shaking her shoulder. She reached up to rub the sleep out of her eyes, the heavy blanket of sleep still weighing heavily upon her. Her first thought was that she probably shouldn’t get high before school anymore. She propped herself up on her elbows, still struggling to wake herself up. “How did you sleep? I didn’t take up too much room, did I?” Kylo asked, tucking his phone into his back pocket. Rey looked him up and down and realized he had new clothes on. And it also looked like he had already showered. “No fair! How are you already dressed? I wish I could be as put together as you are,” Rey said, feeling insecure about how she thought she might look. She did just wake up, after all. “I wake up really early. I just ran back to my house real quick, no big deal,” Kylo said, waving her off. Rey swung her legs over the side of her bed and resisted the urge to stretch. She knew her stretching face was not cute, and she wasn’t trying to have Kylo’s image of her ruined more than it already was. “I feel like such an awful person. I should have gotten up and made you breakfast or something!” Rey said, covering her face that was starting to turn red. She hated not being prepared. Kylo rolled his eyes at her and sat down next to her. She was a little overwhelmed by his presence. She wasn’t super used to having a cute boy in her room. Rey looked over to her bathroom door and felt the urge to shower.

“I thought I could grab us some coffee while you got ready?” Kylo asked, dark brown eyes turning gold in the sunlight. Rey was still a little hazy, but nonetheless enchanted by the beauty she saw in front of her. She smiled and nodded, unable to make any words come out. Kylo smiled and then walked out of her door. Rey realized he didn’t even ask her what she wanted. Once her bedroom door clicked shut, she flopped back down onto her pillow. Things were changing for her, and they were changing fast. She looked out her window and at the branches that were blowing in the wind. She wasn’t sure how she got to where she was now, but yet, here she was. Rey finally managed to jump out of bed and into the shower, avoiding her reflection at every turn. She brushed her teeth and hair with her eyes lowered to her collarbones, not being able to look herself in the eye. The thought of seeing Hux again was overwhelming her. It was almost impossible not to think about him, not to feel his hands on her. It made her want to vomit. As she was pulling her shoes on, there was a knock on her bedroom door. She winced just a little before realizing it was probably just Kylo. Nothing like jumping at the most mundane things. He had two cups of coffee in his hand and a small smile on his face. “You look pretty,” he said. Rey’s face turned red. She wasn’t really sure how to respond to a compliment. She wasn’t used to them except from Poe. She just took her coffee and smiled. She pushed past Kylo, desperately wanting to get out of the situation she just so obviously had made awkward. Rey was convinced that she was emotionally stunted. As she walked out the door, she couldn’t help but wonder if Poe had run into Kylo on his daily coffee run. It felt nice to be able to think about these sorts of things. Things like that had seemed so frivolous as of late. They didn’t talk much on their walk to school. It wasn’t that Rey didn’t want to talk to Kylo, she just didn’t have anything to say. Nothing positive at least. As her highschool began to make an appearance on the horizon, the feeling of hopelessness sank back into her. It almost embraced her like an old friend. Her legs started to turn into jello, and she was unsure if she could even hold herself up. It was almost like heartbreak but worse. 

“Are you okay?” Kylo questioned, eyebrows furrowed. Rey saw that he was concerned but couldn’t be bothered to put on a face to make the look go away. She couldn’t even hide it anymore. It was consuming her, eating away at her stomach little by little. Her dirty secret. She didn’t answer him and kept walking. It was hard to remember what being okay felt like. For as long as she could remember, school had been the one thing she was good at. She loved to learn and she loved the way her teacher’s faces looked whenever they read over one of her papers. Now she hated being there. Just one more reminder of how shitty her life seemed to be. Once they got to the double doors, Kylo held it open for her. The atmosphere felt heavy on her, and she debated on if she should just turn around and leave. The chatter in the hallways seemed too loud now, and she wanted nothing more than to drown everything out. Kylo walked along side her as she pulled on the straps of her backpack. She would skip going to her locker. She didn’t want to run into Hux. Rey was so focused on the way her backpack straps felt that she didn’t notice Kylo trying to get her attention.

“Rey, are you there?” Kylo asked, gently shaking her by the shoulders. She looked up and blinked a few times, trying to get out of her head. “I think she’s trying to get a hold of you,” he said, pointing across the hallway. She looked over in that direction and saw Rose, waving her over frantically. Rey walked across the hall with her eyebrows raised, slightly confused. Her and Rose didn’t interact much in school, and ever since Rey had asked her about the party, she had been doing her best to avoid her. Upon closer inspection, Rey saw that Rose was visibly upset. Before Rey could even get a word out, Rose yanked her by her arm and into the girls bathroom. “What the fuck?” Rey yelled, startled by the sudden movement. Being touched out of nowhere became somewhat of a trigger for her, although she felt stupid for calling it that because she felt like she was making a bigger deal out of it all. Rose’s face was flushed and her eyes were slightly swollen, like she had been crying. Rose paced around the bathroom, kicking every door open to ensure that no one was in there. Rey was starting to feel a knot of anxiety form in her stomach. This was getting strange, and she wasn’t sure where this was headed. “Remember when you asked me if I remembered what happened at my party?” Rose asked, her voice cracking multiple times. Rey stood there. What was she supposed to say? Instead, she said nothing. “I remember everything up until the point where I don’t. I don’t remember anything after like 2 am and I need to know if you remember,” Rose asked, tears brimming her eyes and her hands shaking. Rey was having a hard time comprehending the information that was being given to her. What was Rose trying to say to her? How was Rey supposed to tell her that she barely remembers how she got home that night? That she was raped in a bedroom of her house? Had she met the same fate? Rey felt like she was going to throw up. “I don’t remember, I’m sorry,” Rey said softly, unsure of what to do. Rose yelled in frustration and kicked a stall door once more. “This is so fucked,” she said, looking down at her shoes. “I don’t know what the fuck happened to me. I was sore all over and I didn’t think anything of it.” Rey felt her stomach drop and she thought she might double over and throw up her coffee. Something had happened to Rose. “Rose, what happened?” Rey asked, stepping closer to the girl in front of her. The bell for first classes rang out, echoing in the bathroom. Neither girl moved. “I don’t know, the last thing I remember is getting high with Hux. Normally I wouldn’t hang out with that freak, but he had weed on him, so I wasn’t going to pass up the offer.”   
As soon as those words left Rose’s mouth, Rey felt like she had been hit by a truck. Her heart was beating so hard that she wasn’t sure that it was normal, and a high pitched noise rang out continuously in her head. Hux had done to Rose exactly what he had done to her. She didn’t mention Hux cornering her in the bathroom, and for a split second, Rey wondered why he was so focused on her when he did the same thing to Rose. Did this happen after her? Before her? She could barely gather her thoughts. Rey wanted to say something to Rose. She wanted to offer her words of comfort, but she didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t offer any words of comfort to herself. “Are you okay?” Rey asked, unsure of what else to say. Of course she wasn’t okay. Neither of them were anything close to okay. Rose looked up from her shoes and in Rey’s direction. Her face was red and an angry expression came over her. Rey backed up slightly, afraid of her lashing out against her. “No, Rey. I’m not okay. There is a huge chunk of time missing from my head at a party that I threw. I should remember, and I can’t. I don’t really need to remember to draw the conclusion that he probably took advantage of me,” Rose shouted, her voice echoing throughout the bathroom. Rey couldn’t look Rose in the eye, so she looked at the wall instead. She was so startled by how Rose pulled her in here that she almost forgot about what Hux had done to her in that very space. In the midst of reliving the traumatic event, she was grappling the idea that Hux had done this more than once. “I’m gonna fucking kill him. I let him into MY house. I have to do something,” Rose said, tripping over her words. For a split second, Rey almost let it slip out. Here was one of her friends in front of her, spilling her guts, and she couldn’t do the same. “I’m so sorry, Rose. Is there anything I can do?” Rey asked, wanting to help. Rose just looked at her. 

“No, not right now. I’m gonna figure out what happened before I do anything. I just, I’m sorry for blowing up at you. I’ve never really gone through anything like this before,” Rose said, rubbing the back of her own neck with her left hand. Rey could tell she was nervous. Rey waved her off, indicating that it wasn’t a big deal and she wasn’t hurt by her reaction. Rose started walking towards the door, reaching her hand out to pull it open. She hesitated for a moment, and turned back to Rey. “You won’t tell anyone, will you?” She asked, her confident expression faltering. Rey wanted to warn her about Hux, and just how dangerous he could be. The words got stuck in her throat and she shook her head in response. Rose left without another word. Rey stood still, staring at the floor. Hux was a fucking plague. She turned around and walked to her class. She scurried in the classroom, trying to avoid bringing attention to herself. She took her seat in the back next to Kylo and looked straight ahead. Rose had gone through something horrifying, and she could barely even offer the girl a hug. How emotionally stunted was she? Kylo reached over, eliciting a flinch from Rey.   
“What was that all about?” He whispered, his eyebrows furrowed. Rey wasn’t going to tell him, that wouldn’t be right. That was her story to tell when she felt comfortable to share. She shook her head and shrugged him off, suggesting that it was unimportant when in reality, this was one of the most important things in her life now. Not only had Hux put his hands on her, but he had put his hands on Rose. How many other girls had gone through this with him? The possibilities were weighing down on her chest like a boulder. Had it been her fault that it had happened to Rose? The rest of the day passed by, nothing too eventful happening. Hux didn’t show up to history, so Rey was finally able to take a breath. It had been a long time since she felt like she had room to breathe. By the time the school day was over, Rey was physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted by the information she had heard that morning. When she got home, she flopped down on her bed and stared at her ceiling. She wondered if Rose’s memory had come back to her yet. The more she thought about her reaction to Rose telling her what happened, the more she wanted to bang her head against the wall. She had a person who knew exactly what she was going through right in front of her and she said nothing. She gave no indication that she knew more than she was letting on, and it felt like a betrayal. At this point, her not telling anyone other than Kylo about what happened didn’t just affect her now. It affects other people. Rey felt like she had an obligation to Rose. She picked up her phone and went to Rose’s contact name, and pressed the call button. Her heart was beating out of her chest, but she couldn’t sit back and watch Hux’s actions destroy another person. She just couldn’t. The phone rang twice before she heard Rose pick up. 

“Rey?”   
“Rose, hey, how are you?” Rey asked, sitting straight up in her bed. She was on edge, and debated on if calling Rose was the right thing to do. The silence on the other end of the line was deafening.   
“You know. I don’t know. I don’t know,” Rose said, her voice void of emotion. Rey wondered if she had remembered more, or if the reality of the situation was simply just setting in for her. Rey opened her mouth to make more small talk, but stopped herself.   
“Hux raped me.”  
Rey was hoping it would feel like a weight lifted from her shoulders, but it was the opposite. The knot in her stomach only grew bigger.   
“I’m sorry, I guess I should explain more. I know I said I didn’t remember anything from that night, but that wasn’t true. I remember going to smoke with Hux and then I felt terrible. Next thing I know, he’s, you know. I had no idea that you and Hux had smoked together and if I was conscious or even remembered, I would have warned you. I’m sorry,” Rey said, tripping over her words. She knew there was no going back.   
The silence on the other end of the line was deafening. For a moment, she thought Rose might have hung up, so she pulled her phone back away from her face to check. She was still on the line. It felt like an eternity when Rose finally responded.  
“Have you told anyone? I mean, Jesus Christ. I am so fucking sorry, Rey. Here I am, rambling on about my problems,” Rose said. Rey could hear the guilt seeping into her voice, and she wanted to do whatever she could to stop that. “Rose, please. We went through the same thing. I just felt like I was betraying you by not telling you. The only person that knows is Kylo. And now you.” Rose made a sound of acknowledgement on the other line, causing Rey’s anxiety to subside for a moment. “Okay, well I have to go. I just need time to think I guess. How did you process it?”   
Rey had to hold in a laugh. How did she process the fact that she was raped not once, but twice? She opened her mouth to give a response, but stopped herself. She didn’t want to give Rose the wrong answer, so instead she told her to get some rest and that they would talk again tomorrow. Rey laid back down on her bed and looked out her window. Now another person knows. She wasn’t ready to let another person in, but the circumstances called for it. There was a pit in Rey’s stomach, and she knew exactly why. She was afraid of Rose telling the police about what Hux did to her. Rose was always looking to rescue someone, but Rey didn’t know how to say she didn’t want to be saved. The humiliation was punishment enough, and the shame was just the cherry on top. Rey wasn’t feeling her best. She was emotionally exhausted, and she was doing this mostly alone. Sure, she had Kylo, but sometimes she wished she had more of a familial structure. Her parents had been absent for so long, Rey would sometimes forget that other kids didn’t live alone. She was pretty sure what her parents had been doing is illegal, since she’s still so young and living alone in a home they pay for. She never bothered to ask any questions though. As long as she had a roof over her head. She had spent far more time with her grandfather as a kid anyways, so she didn’t have a strong emotional connection to her parents. They were usually more concerned about their jobs which took them out of the country for months at a time. Rey’s eyes travelled to the streetlamp just outside her bedroom window. It was tinted slightly green and flickers every few seconds or so. Rey sometimes missed her grandfather. From what she could remember, they always had an enjoyable time together. The only memories she had were fond ones, like eating at the dining table with him and riding in the backseat of his truck listening to the news on the radio. He died her freshman year of high school, leaving her alone with her parents. Not for long though, as they soon alerted her they would be moving out of the country to stay closer to their jobs. Rey barely even acknowledged it, though. She was heartbroken by the death of her grandfather. She felt like he was the only one who actually gave a shit about her. It was like her parents couldn’t get away from her fast enough. Noises from outside of her house caused Rey to stir, interrupting her train of thought. She sat up and looked out her window, but didn’t see anything. She figured her paranoia was getting the best of her. She decided to walk downstairs and make herself something to eat. Rey opened the doors to her fridge and sighed. She ordered groceries regularly with the money her parents sent her, with more than enough left over to do whatever she wanted with it. She wasn’t eating much lately. She couldn’t be bothered to cook, and she had been so stressed it was hard to keep anything down. Rey was also still having a hard time processing what her and Rose had talked about. She figured they should talk in person again, but the one thing she couldn’t decide on was if she should tell Rose that it happened more than once. She didn’t want to seem like she was trying to overtake what happen to her, or make it seem like her situation was worse. If Rey was being honest, she had no idea what the right thing to do was. She had already called her once, so maybe it was best to leave her alone for the time being. Rey walked over to her couch and ran her hand over the cushions, contemplating what she should do about dinner. She thought about calling Kylo, but she had felt like such a bother to him lately. She really liked him, but she didn’t want him to be burdened by her issues. She seemed to have a lot of those lately, issues. After much deliberation, she decided to call Poe over. She knew she hadn’t been the greatest friend to him, and she wouldn’t lie that she had been avoiding him. Rey was terrified that he would ask the wrong question and she would break down. She loved Poe, but he was a spitfire. If he knew what Hux had done to her, he would go after him baring his teeth like a rabid dog. The phone only rang twice before he picked up. 

“Well, well. Look who finally decided to call,” Poe said, giving his normal passive aggressive response. Rey rolled her eyes, not having enough energy to match his.   
“I know, I know. I’m sorry. Things have been crazy, I guess. Do you want to come over and eat? I don’t feel like cooking and I thought we could order a pizza or something. Maybe Taco Bell?” Rey asked with a hopeful tone in her voice. She felt shitty about blowing him off for so long. It wasn’t like her, and they both knew it. Poe made a noise on the other end of the line, like he was thinking about it, and REALLY thinking about it.   
“Okay, fine. I’ll come over. But I want to pick the movie,” he responded, sounding disinterested. Rey rolled her eyes once more, knowing that this was all an act. He could be so petty sometimes. They hung up and she waited for him to come over, putting on some laundry to pass the time. While she was putting her sheets onto dry, she couldn’t help but feel paranoid again. It was almost like someone was watching her. She stopped herself to look around. Of course no one was there, but Rey couldn’t help but feel like something was wrong. She tried to brush it off again, not wanting to ruin her own night. The sound of her doorbell distracted her from her train of thought, and she went to answer her door. She was expecting Poe, but instead made a much more troubling discovery. There was no one at her door at all. She poked her head out of her doorway and looked to the side, wondering if there were some kids in her neighborhood who decided it would be a good idea to play ding dong ditch. Rey rubbed her arms, getting goosebumps. She was about to close the door when she saw a note lying on the concrete right outside of her door. She picked it up and opened it, hoping this was a stupid prank. 

KEEP YOUR WHORE MOUTH SHUT OR ELSE. 

Rey’s blood ran cold. She stiffened up immediately, frozen in fear. After a few seconds, she recoiled into her house and slammed the door shut, her breathing already out of control. Scare tactics? She knew who this was from. Hux did this. Did he know that her and Rose had talked? Did Rose confront him? Rey thought she was going to be sick. How did Hux know where she lived? She had about a million questions with no answers. She knew she had to keep it together for Poe, but she wasn’t sure if that was going to be possible. Everything was piling up on top of her, and she couldn’t breathe.


End file.
